One of my first memories of me being a mean girl was when I was probably ten. I got into a fight with one of my close friends and I cannot remember why, but I remember I told my other friends that if they wanted to stay my friend- they could not talk to my ex-close friend. Most of my friends chose me and I liked that I ‘won’ but I lost a friend. Even at such a young age, I was capable of stirring things up unnecessarily by getting people involved.
I was the mean girl. Whatever had happened in my past was not my fault that may have resulted in me being a mean person. And for years, I used it as an ‘reason’ to justify every wrong action. I was always ready with an excuse, which should have been dealt with but wasn’t. I knew how to present myself in front of people the way they wanted- people saw a side of me I wanted them to se. Now I wonder how I could make other people suffer when I had suffered myself? I should have understood the pain better.
Growing up I tried to make amends for what I had done as a little girl. I made myself more than available for everyone who needed anything, and I genuinely meant it. I was ready to help anyone in need. The problem here was that sometimes I had no one there for me when I needed someone. Many times, in life I was alone. It disappointed me and made me angry, I was told not to trust people, but I wanted to believe that everyone was innately good. I was struggling inside. One disappointing incident and I would cut someone out of my life permanently.
I used to hold everyone I met in my life so high and if they didn’t meet my expectations once- I was done being in their lives. Something I did not realize till I was an adult was that if something did not work out my way- I found a way to manipulate people to do what I wanted and made them feel like it was their choice. I did not want anyone to dislike me. Being that way was exhausting, and it took so much mental strength.
I was always on one or the other extreme. I truly wanted to do everything right but when something went wrong- I never admitted it was my fault. I was always nice to everyone, but if someone crossed me- it was impossible for me to let go of the grudge.
I thought I was the type who understood people instead I treated some worse. Self reflection really showed me how I really was and I did not like what I saw. So here is me trying to make amends and trying to change to be better. Here is my genuine apology to all those whom I have hurt in the past. I have created boundaries with my own feelings and actions.
I will practice being patient and not jump to conclusions- this is harder than it sounds. I promise to better myself slowly every single day. The quote about not deserving your best if you cannot be handled at your worst is awful- women are taught not to tolerate men’s unacceptable behaviors so I do not know how this makes it okay for us to be at our worst and still be accepted by others. I have misused that quote so many times.
I am not trying to fix the world and I cannot fix anyone else till I have fixed myself first. One can never feel better by making someone else feel worse- you end up actually feel worse than you did before. I’m going to learn more about my flaws and correct them so I don’t keep looking for them in other people.
It is hard to admit that I have wronged so many people and that I have hurt some along the way. Instead of owning up to it, I always found ways to rationalize it as if they deserved it. There is never an excuse to be mean and I did it for way too long.
Almost all of us have been that mean girl at some point in our lives, some may have never done that and I wish I could have been one of them. But most of us have said something nasty or started something completely false about someone for the sake of popularity, anger or gossip- and never owned up to it due to pride. One thing I can say is that I never made up anything about anyone but I have said horrible things about people to other people. I hate to admit but I have started drama. I made those mistakes for which I will forever be sorry but I do not want to be that person anymore.
I want to be better and I am ready to say goodbye to the mean girl that I used to be- I am ready to change.