I never thought as an adult that I would be so lost. Looking back, I can see where I started to fumble and go down a dangerous road; what seemed like a harmless path, a road filled with the tempting offers of debauchery. The loss of a loved one had left me so empty that I was willing to take anything in my life to fill that void. As I look back, all the experiences and the moments ended up leaving me feeling emptier and shallower. I was living in the moment, but not the right way. I was enjoying the random experiences, but not with the right people. The illusions overshadowed my once disciplined life with a purpose when I had goals. As time went on, I started to sink more and more into the depth of this glitter filled hole. Instead of remembering my moments, I was so lost that I would lose hours of memory, waking up without sleeping but at a different hour, at a different place.
I met people, people who had been living this life for years, who had learned to navigate their way through this puzzle that did not have any rules. I wanted to belong somewhere. They took me under their wing, and I started living a dream, which would turn into my biggest nightmare. I thought I was too strong to be blinded. I thought I had found my way through the colorful flowers when instead I was getting more and more lost in the darkness that would almost consume me.
I stopped differentiating the good from bad. I stopped recognizing myself. I did not know who was staring back at me in the mirror.
Sometimes when bad things happen to you, the only way you can protect yourself is by pretending you don’t feel anything. You close your heart like you close your eyes. When someone tells you what you are doing is wrong, you start pulling away because even if it is a bad influence, at least you belong somewhere. Loneliness is the worst punishment in the world that makes people stray from their own principles sometimes. I did not want to be alone.
I always knew this was not the real me but I was in a new city. It takes years to really know someone and I had a terrible history of trusting the wrong people. My gut always told me, but I was too hopeful, too naïve and too gullible. I was so used to being let down by people, that every time it happened again I was sad for a day and then I moved on.
Over time, it became too much. I closed my eyes and prayed to have the strength to find my way out. I asked God for help. I started to pull away from the crowd, hating the loneliness but finding solace in my prayers.
One Thursday night, I met you. I was not even supposed to be there, I was not even supposed to talk to you but everything conspired in a way that I did. At one moment, I remember looking at you somehow knowing that you would stay in my life longer.
When we talked, I felt this comfort. There was no pretense. I did not worry about what you thought of me because I knew if you were a good person you would understand. I told you I was looking for a friend.
You told me about your goals and dreams, and it reminded me that I had them too. I started to notice that as easy as it was to get influenced by the negative I felt a small positive change in me. Spending time with you, learning about the world and myself, I started to remember who I used to be, and what I wanted to do.
You taught me one of the most important lessons in life: respect. A word we use so often but we rarely know the true meaning of. You taught me that respect means no one has power over the other person. You taught me you don’t have to agree with someone to like them and that you have to give them space to have their own opinions so they can grow. When you respect someone you let go; you accept them as they are and you don’t judge and you don’t try to control them. Respect is to work on your own issues without defining someone else in your own terms.
The more I got to know you, the more I pulled away from what my life used to be. I started working on improving myself. I wanted to become a better person again. I started taking care of myself. Things started to fall into place. Having you in my life I learned that what is meant for you will not miss you and what misses you was never meant for you. I thank you every day for coming into my life and not judging me for my past. I am grateful to you for making me want to change my life around for myself. I just wanted a friend, and I found my best friend in you.
You were meant to come to my life and to play an important role. Everything is destined, and everything always happens for a reason.
As you get ready for the next chapter of your life, I am letting you go with grace. I will always carry love for you in my heart, no matter where I go. I wish you well. I wish you happiness. You were the answer to my prayer when I needed it the most.
God works in mysterious ways and I found God when I met you.