The Suicide That Saved My Life


This day last year I attended my first funeral. It was that of a friend who killed himself. I was so jealous that he did it first that I forgot that you’re suppose to feel sad, not envious at a funeral.

We were young and most of us have never gone to a funeral before. We watched as family said they’re goodbyes and gossip filled the air about how is happened. I still don’t know the truth. But it was a suicide.

Fast-forward and I’m studying for exams, writing papers and living my life as the average university student. I have the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ask for and I’m counting down the days until I spend summer in Europe with him by my side.

Life is good.

However, since this generation even posts on the walls of the diseased, a post popped up on my newsfeed, reminding me of the funeral that happened what feels likes so long ago… the one that strangely enough, saved me life.

I was prepared to kill myself. I was a troubled, insecure teen, with a dangerous case of depression and a written suicide note… I was simply waiting for the right time, until someone beat me to it.

Once he did, I knew I had to wait a little longer for my turn, there was too many people hurt by the tragedy and I didn’t want to add to it.

However, the longer I waited the cloudier my plan got…

I watch others cry and realized, for the first time the pain I would cause. I never even thought of that before. I realized that as much as I didn’t want to live, I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting others as much as I would.

Therefore, I went through the motions of the rest of my teens years. Wishing I was long gone but realizing I wont be… By going through these motions I started to gain experiences and well stubbornly realized life isn’t so bad. I made it through high school… Never thinking I would.

I look back now and I’m not sure if its wrong to thank that boy for stealing my opportunity to die… It sounds so wrong. It really does.

Although, if I am being honest, even if I fear to write it down — I am thankful. I am so thankful that I was able to see the impact my suicide would have left on the people I care about. I am so happy I was forced to go through the motions of life long enough for the good to come by. Long enough to realize that everybody goes through hard times and with enough strength the light at the end of the tunnel can be reached.

I want people to believe in signs. To believe that this life gets better even when we don’t think it ever could. To choose to go through the motions the way I did until it leads to something beautiful.

Because this life really is, beautiful.

Above all. I want to thank you, Adam… For unknowingly saving my life… I truly believe you are an angel watching over us all and I will never in my life forget you, because without you I wouldn’t still have one. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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