I Lost You Before I Even Had You

Flickr / tomo tang
Flickr / tomo tang

We were something. Maybe not the conventional couple but we had our own thing going on. We didn’t need labels to prove who we were to each other. And we didn’t need the world to know either. It was just us and it was perfect.

What we have is something I will strive to find in every future relationship that I pursue and this time I wont let it go. I say “have” instead of “had” because I don’t believe that it’s gone. I think we are burying it deep within us. Because something that magical is also equally painful and I guess it’s just easier like this.

But circumstance. It always comes down to circumstance. The past two months have been very trying for me. I haven’t always been able to express myself so when incidences happen I tend to deal with it myself rather than letting someone else help me. Family problems, friends and school seemed to all happen at the same time and I was breaking under all the pain.

The only person I could have turned to was you but I didn’t. I’ve been so used to dealing with everything myself and you always said you would wait until I was ready to talk about it. Now that it’s all over and I’m finally ready, you’re not here. The two months that I’ve spent trying to get my life back on track you’ve spent moving on.

And it hurts. But I’m also happy for you because I know you didn’t deserve the silent static from my end of the line. I’m sorry that you couldn’t wait two months before I was able to give myself to you. I still think that what we have is something special. I hope you have something even better with her. And I hope she doesn’t put you on hold but rather involves you in her life, which was something I couldn’t do.

I hope she tells you that she loves you first and keeps telling you when I couldn’t. But just because I didn’t say it doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel it.

I love you. I always will. Because I will be searching for you in every guy that meet. I will be thinking of you while I’m looking and I will be thinking of you when I have found you. TC mark

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