It’s days like these that I am grateful that other people can’t hear the conversations in my head, the ones where I’m talking to myself and responding too. Those conversations are confusing enough, but the ones with my Inner Critic are the worst. She’s the one whispering those words that no one else can hear, the ones that sting and leave scars. I am not her, but I can hear her over the background noise of everyday life.
She tells me I should be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter. She is so cruel with her words. I wish I could smother her with a pillow and leave her lifeless. She has lurked amid the shadowy corners of my mind like a morning fog and sabotaged my intentions since the excruciating days of Jr. High when she whispered phrases in my ears that only I could hear. “You aren’t as good as them”, “You’re just a poor kid, no one likes you,” “You aren’t pretty enough to be popular,” “They don’t like you,” the raspy voice would speak slowly and deliberately. She sounded like the voice of a heavy smoker, torturing my tender heart with words that stung in the daylight hours and cut me to the core when I was alone in my bed at night, leaving me to bleed by myself.
Now that I’m older I try to tell her to shut up and just be quiet, that I don’t have time for her. Sometimes it works, sometimes the words stop, but I still feel her occasionally lingering around to rob me of any joy I might find during the rest of the day, feeding on my sadness and insecurity. I wish there was a way to starve her to death because I’m really tired.
I think I’ll pour myself a cup of coffee and have a serious conversation with her. As difficult as it is, it’s time to end this relationship.
Hey you, yeah I’m talking to you…
You don’t get to tell me I’m not good enough. You don’t get to plant seeds of doubt in my heart anymore.
You don’t get to decide if I’m successful or not. You no longer get to determine my happiness.
From now on, all you get to do it watch…
You get to watch me live my life as if I’m the most loved person I know. You get to watch me count my blessings and prosper even more. You get to see me laugh and smile.
You are able to watch me make friends and enjoy rewarding relationships. You get to sit back and watch my confidence soar.
I am at peace with myself. I am at peace with the silence I am sentencing you to forever. Your reign is over, your time is up. Our relationship is not healthy and does not serve my higher purpose or contribute to my happiness.
Your voice will no longer resonate within my spirit because I am listening to a new voice. She fills the crevices of my battered soul with affirmations of hope and encouragement.
She is full of love and breathes hope into every thought I have. She is an angel. She believes in me. I am her. Our relationship is going to flourish and grow. I expect to be the happiest I’ve ever been!