To My Best Friend Who Can’t Stand My Anxiety

I do want to hang out with you it’s just hard. I don’t think anybody truly understands how much of a struggle it is to get out of bed in the morning. The moment I awake it’s like a constant battle with myself.

It’s not fun or easy. I’m not spoiled or lazy. I’m just in messed up state right now and yeah, not gonna lie, it’s been a while! But I’m trying to figure out how to stay afloat for a little longer.

As for my friends, I miss you.I know I say it and to you it might not mean so much considering I haven’t acted in any way to back that up. I miss getting up with you to see the chick flicks that only we would pay to watch. I miss going to random restaurants with you and trying out the new drinks on the menu. But mostly I miss just being around you.

Being able to contribute to the conversation with something equally as interesting as what you talk about. I miss just relaxing with you. And telling you my feelings. But I can’t anymore, or at least not right now.

I can’t commit to a date or a night out of fun. It’s funny because if you come over to my place, for some reason that’s usually okay. I mean, I might freak 30 minutes before you come. And cuddle up in my bed and call it a night. But by the time my phone rings or the doorbell buzzes, I thankfully come to my senses.

Maybe these ambushes are what I need. They always make things better. Quieter. Calmer. If even for an hour or two.

It’s just when I’m getting ready to go out, my mind is racing with possibilities of car accidents while I’m driving to your place. My thoughts talk me out of lots of things. It gets so crippling that I will make excuses not to drive for the next 2 weeks.

Or I think of the invading questions you may ask, that I’m too ashamed to answer- even if we are (or were) bffs. To me you are my bff and it’s scary that you know me more than other people. What others see as a loner. Or rude. Or shy. Unstable Or whatever. You know that there’s something up. Or at least you’re supposed to get the hint.

And I can’t believe you think that the thing is that I no longer want to spend time with you!

It honestly breaks my little heart and causes the bricks to be stacks quicker on my burdened chest. My anxiety grows ten fold and the sickening voice inside my head won’t shut up. It’s like all that matters in my life is grey. And muted.

My breathing is always heavy and hard to find. Except when it isn’t. When it’s short and quick and I can’t gulp enough air down there to fill my lungs. I’m sure I sound like I’m huffing and puffing all day but I’m really nervous and stuck inside my head.

I promise I’m not this anti-social. At least that’s not the me I remember. And I’m living in a fog I can’t escape. But no one understands that. I thought out of all people you would understand. And know, in the most not-so-horrible-person way possible, that I can’t fight for our friendship right now. I’m busy fighting for myself.