Let me start first with the story of how our worlds crossed one another.
We belong to the same group of friends but we don’t really talk with each other. You were awkward around me and the same I was to you. When we finally had the chance to talk everything under the sun, we suddenly became inseparable in the group. We had this connection and all our friends were rooting for us. They said we look cute together. That’s when I started to like you. You know that bizarre feeling you get when people tease you to someone and you end up liking them because of all those,
“Hey you two should date.”
“Oh god you see that look on his eyes when he saw you?”
I got carried away but I chose to hide what I feel because I’m afraid you’re not feeling the same. It was all good – you and I talking casually every day, getting to know each other, checking out on each other…until you met someone. I don’t have something against her. I mean she’s pretty and all (despite the fact that she made it obvious that she doesn’t like me). She just pulled you away from me, from us. We lost that connection. We stopped with those cute flirty text messages and little chitchats thru phone calls. And I truly understood because you’re committed to someone.
All the feelings faded at once and that’s when I realized and confirmed that what I felt was not something special.
But to be honest, I missed talking to you.
Later on, you two broke up. It was not a long relationship, just a month I guess. It was bittersweet. Of course I want you to be happy but it made me happy because I can now finally talk to you without the fear of people interpreting our friendship as flirting. I was your go-to person after that and we gained back our connection.
Then one day, you admitted that you liked me from the very beginning and that you were just afraid that I don’t feel the same way. But it turned out that we were actually feeling the same way before. It sounds funny right? Two people too afraid of getting out of their risk lines and settled for less. But oh well, at least we’re getting another shot at it. Those feelings that I had before came back but I didn’t tell you at once because I was making sure that it’s not another “carried away” feeling.
The first week of texting each other and having late night phone calls almost every day, I admit that you gave me butterflies. Weeks later and we’re still on that stage where we send good morning texts and you constantly asking me if I’ve already eaten or beep me up to ask what I’m doing. We used to hang out with friends but now we are setting our own dates without them.
You show little efforts and actions that remind me that I’m important to you. You always make sure that I’m okay, you update me with the things you do even if I’m not requiring you to do so. I appreciate all these.
Yes, you remind me that I’m getting a guy’s attention. But I don’t know if attention is what I need right now or if I need anything at all. I don’t know where this is heading, I don’t know if “us” is possible. I’m just going with the flow and I have no idea if the current is with me or I’m against it. Maybe you’re serious about us or maybe you’re not. I don’t want to overthink things but I just can’t help it. I know that there’s a possibility that this too might end with a blink of an eye.
I’m still not yours and you’re still not mine but we limit ourselves to each other and it’s what scares me the most.
Because it will hurt me so much to see you leave and it will hurt me even more knowing that I don’t know where I’d place myself for you are never mine to begin with.
I don’t think I deserve this mediocrity. I don’t think I deserve to be just your go-to person. I don’t deserve those mixed signals you give me. I don’t deserve endless questions popping in my head about our real score. I don’t deserve something unsure. I don’t think I deserve you but I also think I do because I accept these things. It’s a chaos in my mind, it’s a disarray in my heart.
For now, I’ll just wait for everything to make sense. And I hope it eventually will.