To All The Girls That I have Ever Loved

Wenceslas Lejeune

Closure has always been a luxury. To a man who is about to get married, these are not really words of regret but rather to honor those who have made him the man that he is today.

1. The Dress With Cherries

You could easily be my biggest regret, the woman who I would show in photos and my friends would be left in disbelief saying “No way!” You had it all, beauty and brains and it did quite help a lot that you were very much in love with me.

I first saw you as a teenager although we never spoke a word to each other. But as time passed by, it felt like we were ripening for each other as well. For years we could never be with each other, as we were both in our own commitments, yet we lived in a fantasy we built for the two of us.

Alas, I wish I kept it that way.

But you caught me at a vulnerable time, months from a relationship that I thought would never end and lacking both the confidence and security that I once had, I found a beautiful angel in you. I saw someone who went the extra mile for me. In what I never thought I would happen again, I felt that I was an attractive person, that I was not banished in loneliness for my mistakes of the past. I found someone who could make me feel loved once again. Our love was intense, like a strong breeze that passes by. It knocked me off the ground and I instantly fell. I tried to be the best man for you, not knowing that all I did was just not repeat the past. But I was happy, blissful with all. Until one day, the breeze of happiness passed by and reality struck. I was exposed for who I was, the fact that I had no confidence and that I was in despair.

I know you felt it too but you obviously tried to make it work. We compensated, tried to add more fire to the relationship hoping passion could sustain it. But then in one instance, the spark led to a thought. Is this really what I had wanted? Where was I going with this? Do I actually see a future in this?

The present was beautiful, but I never lived for the spectacular now. So goodbye to you my pretty lover. I know that we have walked separate paths. I know you will never speak of what you truly felt during that time, the pain I caused you. But all I have left to say, as I have been saying for years, sorry and I wish you the best.

2. The Closest Thing To Best

Nothing breaks my heart continuously than the thought of you. And unlike the woman I mentioned above, it goes beyond the things outside. You were damn perfect. My family loved you and your family loved me. We were best friends prior to falling in love. We were there for each other during the darkest moments or walked away in protest to the mistakes we were about to make. You were next to me when all my dreams came true, even if that was the exact moment all your dreams were shattered on the floor.

You put me first, and yourself last. You were really someone. I will never forget the joy you brought me each time I saw you, as you burst with energy each and every morning. You were someone I could imagine waking up each day next to, because although we never slept together, yours was always the first smile I saw. In fact, I can never forgive myself for much I’ve hurt you. And if it was this version of me that you met, it would have been you walking down the aisle. In fact, there are days I think it is not too late. But I know it was not part of God’s plan.

I grieve though that we are no longer friends, but I am happy for you wherever the Lord takes you. You deserve the best, because you gave me your best.

3. The Broken One

All it took was you crying. That got my attention. But the truth is, your best days were prior to that. I would always remember you being so quiet. The first time I met you, I was so scared. I knew there was going to be something in the future for us. But I was broken then and I didn’t want to get hurt once again. But during those times that we did see each other, you were full of life.

You were different from all the girls that I have dated. You seemed so free, and you seemed to not care about the world. Of course I will never forget the twirling girl under the moonlight as that was a memory I always had.

Sadly, that was all a façade. There was so much baggage in your life that to tell you the truth, I gave up. I am so sorry I failed you, I said I could take it, I said I could be there, but I couldn’t trust you or love you. You tell me life could have been different for us, and indeed it could have been. But sadly, I really couldn’t see it happening.

4. The One I Let Go, The One That I Would Never Know

As I write these words, I can’t help but have a small smile on my face. I have thousands of fond memories with you, unfortunately most of them were just imagined in my head. Every single day passed during my time in the desert, people came and go, yet you were still in my head. It was funny since I always thought of that five-year period before I would get to pursue you and I prayed each day that you will still be single after that period.

I kept these feelings of mine to myself and to a few. Then that day came, after years of friendship and prayers requests. I was finally ready but I kept looking inside myself, hoping to have the courage to finally ask the words that would change our life. Will you serve the Lord with me for the rest of my life? I couldn’t understand why I can’t be brave. I’ve carefully handled my friendship with you, keeping myself back until the right time, not putting myself first and loving you right. This was all I ever dreamed love to be. But I can’t say the words, damn, I can’t even ask you out.

And once again, I enter into my downward spiral. Since I can’t be with you, I try to be with someone else. But when I’m with someone else, all I could think about is the possibility of us. What would it be like if you were not going to be my wife? Can I miss out on the thought of looking at your smile or laugh every day? This got me stuck in life. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t move on in any aspect. When I felt like I had a chance with you, I was overjoyed. But when the days came when I start thinking that I have no chance, I would end up depressed. There are so many times I asked the Lord to take it away, but it wasn’t going away because I didn’t want it to go away.

Every conversation that we had I held to dearly, and in fact, I play them back every now and then. But at the end of the day, it was not meant to be. I was living in this world of fantasy, where you also liked me, but that was not reality. I could never ask you to be with me. The answer I fear is something that I cannot hear.

Soon, my greatest cause of anxiety was no longer not being in a relationship with you, but whether or not I could get out of the cycle. But when I finally did, when I finally realized that I cannot live life this way, I had to walk away. Funny thing though, when I finally moved on, you also seemed to have moved on. Thinking whether or not that meant something will be a useless endeavor because there is no walking back. Besides, after all this time I realized one thing, the only thing I was in love with was the idea of you and that is why I was never able to ask. TC mark

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