How To Convince People You Have Your Shit Together

Pick the best day to show everyone how great your life is. But make sure it will not be a weekday. Because weekdays are boring and everyone’s too busy to give you the attention that you’re aiming for. Create a poll and ask your online friends which day they usually linger on social media: Saturday or Sunday.

As soon as you have the result, save it. Encircle it on your calendar. Prepare for it. Wait for the day you’re going to tell the world that you have your shit together. Go on and be excited.

When the time comes, wake up early to doll yourself up. But do not tell everyone about it. The moment you’re certain you look flawless, take pictures of yourself on your bed, upload the best one on the internet, and caption it with: “Just woke up. So ready for the day.”

You’re the only one who knows it’s a lie. So that’s okay. They don’t need to be informed that you’ve spent few hours ensuring your hair is perfect and your face is fresh. That’s the whole point of showing off on the internet.

Let the whole world know that you’re doing something important for the next few hours. The goal is to give them the impression that you’re working hard. That you’re productive even on a weekend. Because you’re hungry for success. Because once, somebody told you that you will go far in life. And now you’re doing your best to, um, make it there — wherever that is.

Don’t blow your chance on sharing your restaurant-quality lunch. Browse some photos on your phone and select that expensive meal you had with your parents a week ago, or a month, or even a year ago. Make it seem like you’re enjoying your lunch because it’s the fruit of your labor. You spent your hard-earned money for pricey food.

Watch your post gather likes and comments while you’re eating your 6th ramen noodles packet of the week because, in reality, you’re so damn broke. But then again, they don’t need to know that. It’s not the brand that you want to embed in their minds. The only thing that they should know is that you’re doing well. And that you have your shit together. 

Update all your fans — I mean, your friends — about the progress of that important thing you’re doing. Low-key complain how exhausted you are, but always end your status by saying you’re a fighter and you’re strong and you’re destined to be successful. Encourage everyone to do the same because people like you, who have their shits together, are supposed to be inspiring.

The night is the climax of your “I have made it” story. This is when you have to go all out. When you show all your cards on the table and prove to everyone that you’re a winner. This is the part when you’re going to attend the best, the sickest weekend party in town because not only you work hard, you also play hard. Everybody needs to know that you’re cool and you have the best of both worlds.

Don’t worry about what you’re going to eat next week or how the heck you are going to afford to eat next week. Just go spend your last dime on drinks at the bar so people can see that you have so much money to waste. Pour down your throat with heavy alcohol in hopes of forgetting the truth that you really don’t have anything big to be proud of.

Go home to your room full of stuff that you don’t need. Check all your social media accounts but never ever dare to open your email. Because you will only be reminded of the fact that you’re drowning in debt. Realize that there is ultimately nothing you have gained after giving most of your energy and money and time in convincing everyone that you have your shit together.

Start playing the blame game and point all your fingers back at you. Vanity did not serve you well. The likes and virtual praises that you received are useless when you’re all alone and feel like a complete disaster. Finally, come to a conclusion that you don’t have to go running around proving your worth to the world. You don’t have to lie about who you really are, believing everyone will look up at you. Because people will love you regardless. And honestly, you really don’t have to try too hard.