I’m thousands of miles away from you but when I place my hand over my chest, you suddenly become closer to me. It’s funny how I’m three hours ahead of you yet I feel so damn behind. You put spaces between us while we both move forward. And as always, I let you win. I guess that’s what love is. You give way to the person who’s special to you just to make them happy.
I think this is the moment when I’m expected to say, “Screw that boy. I’m so done with him.” This is the part where I’m supposed to slowly turn my head to anyone who mumbles your name and say, “I’m sorry, who?” I should be feeling nothing toward you by now. I should be walking on this earth pretending I don’t remember a single thing about you.
But no. I can no longer lie to myself when I turn off the lights to my apartment and all I hear is white noise. I get sick to my stomach just admitting you still have love left right in this emotional heart. And I’m a little aggravated that I can’t think of a better way to make fun of this situation. To remind the entire humanity that I’m so good at not catching feelings.
There’s nothing laughable at having your heart be broken by a guy who, at one time in your life, you thought would never dare to put you in misery. Your teeth will not turn gold and shine when you see his face pops up in your social media feeds. You won’t be able to stop memories from overwhelming your mind each time somebody mentions him. In a tiny way, he will be the reason why you suddenly feel disturbed.
Moving on is hell of a ride. And I’m beginning to realize that completely removing you from my life is a process. A lot of time it’s confusing. There are days when I’m dying to hear your voice again. And then there are nights when I wish you die tragically. Learning to unlove you is not linear. There are no step by step guidelines that I need to follow for me to erase you out of my life for good.
I’m beginning to realize that letting go is painful. It’s uncomfortable. It’s banging my head on a hard surface until I finally accept that you don’t have a space in my life anymore. An apology from you is useless this time around. No compromise can cover up the fact that you destroyed me. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t forgiven you.
Just because I don’t care about your sorry doesn’t mean I am incapable of completely having a fresh start someday. Maybe I just don’t want your excuses. I am not interested in hearing your explanations. Because no words of yours can make my heart forget what you did to it. No grand gesture of yours can bring back what you robbed from me.
I’m accepting that it’s okay if I still have resentment toward you. I’m allowed to have these negative feelings. And I don’t want to bury them, convincing myself they’ll eventually go away. Because the truth is, they won’t. They will stay inside of me if I don’t release them. I will be carrying grudges no matter where I go if I don’t deal with them now.
Letting you go requires maturity. It’s giving myself time to outgrow the person that you turned me into. I need to slowly rinse off the compliments that you left all over my skin. I know sometimes I will be searching for your perfume in places we spent hours together, but I’ll try to hold my breath just so I can prove to myself that you don’t have power over me this time around.
This journey of healing and forgetting is going to be damn hard. I can already foresee some cold, lonely nights ahead. Once in a while, I’ll roast you in front of my friends as if you don’t bother me at all. I can imagine myself not mentioning you to the people I sit with during lunch periods because I don’t want them to learn about your monsters. I don’t want them to know who I was when I was with you.
Right in this second, I’m allowing myself to believe that life goes on without you. Maybe my world isn’t going to be as thrilling as it was when I fell in love with you, but I guess boring is okay sometimes. Being calm is good for my well-being. Not having someone special will not make me less happy. And, in time, I know I’ll be able to peacefully sleep in this bed, even when I reach beside me and realize that you’re no longer there.