I Almost Reached Out To Say I Miss You

man walking along road
Cristofer Jeschke

You viewed my Facebook Story today. I noticed it. The second I saw your name, I instantly sucked in air between my teeth. I was surprised you still care. All these times I thought you completely forgot the role that I played in your life. But there you were, showing up like a ghost from the grave of the past.

The logical part of my brain said it was nothing. Maybe you were just bored and decided to randomly watch stories of your friends and, well, ex-lovers. Or you accidentally clicked that little circle in your feed with my face on it and didn’t realize you were looking over through what I was doing in life currently. But my heart knew you wouldn’t be that stupid to let such thing happen. You purposely wanted to show up in my world again — let’s be real here.

I would be lying if I told everyone I didn’t wonder about you as soon as I closed my phone. On the other hand, it would be an exaggeration to say I obsessed over you… Okay, maybe I did a little. But whatever. You can’t be making an unannounced appearance like that and not expect me to be affected! I’m a writer. I have the tendency to be emotional.

I’m not upset that you got curious. I understood it. Actually, I liked it. There I admit it now. I admit that I smiled so big like a 14-year-old boy discovering love for the first time. My heart started humming your nickname — the one I gave you. And our memories played in front of my eyes, blocking my present. It was lovely and melancholic and magical.

In my vision, we were face to face. You were holding my hands like before and we were only inches apart… until somebody tapped my shoulder and bam — I was back in reality. Just like that. So I screamed internally and rolled my eyes. I was reminded how life sucked without you.

Today was a really bad day. The worst so far this month. Normally I’m used to shit dropping like bombs all around me. But damn, I was in deep pain and distress for the last 14 hours. A distant relative of mine just died. I was sleepless from last night. Somebody tested my patience. And, once again, I had a hard time trusting people for a hot minute.

I know you’re already anticipating me saying, “I wish you were here.” So here we go: I hope you’re beside me right now. Because jokes aside, I really hope you’re within arms reach. I was dizzy and confused the entire day, and I needed someone to lean on. I want you to be my lighthouse tonight. Of all the men I fell in love with, you were the only one who had the power to heal me. 

I’m trying my best not to lose my sanity, but it’s just so hard sometimes, you know. Times like these, I miss the universe we lived in. I miss your whisper, your touch, your weird jokes, your earthy smell. I miss the way you called my name. Like it was the only thing that mattered. Like it was the only thing that I wanted to hear.

I miss you because you get me. And it sucks that you’re not here.

I‘m dying to spend few hours with you. I would pay to watch you open my door and stand over me and make fun of my misery. I would do everything for a chance to slap my hands into your light-brown arms. I would trade tomorrow if I could have one more night with you. I swear I would. 

I almost reached out to tell you that I’m a mess. Because it makes you laugh when I finally admit that I can never be perfect. I almost reached out to tell you that I’ve been thinking about you. But then I realized I was the one who stopped responding to your messages. I ended up not reaching out because I remember you are already committed to someone else.

And I’m not the kind of person who ruins a relationship. Nope. I’m really not. I will never be the kind of person who steals someone’s happiness, even if it means it’s me who will be hurting. TC mark

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