Wherever You Are, I Hope You’re Happy Even Without Me

Three photographs of the ocean on a wall
Iwan Lune’

I see that your life is getting better and bigger as months go by. In your world, everything seems to be falling in order. Whenever somebody tells me something about you, all I hear are good stories. Every time people talk about you, when you’re not around, I realize how proud they are of you, of everything that you have achieved so far. 

Hearing these great things that you’ve done is like jazz to my ears. And I can’t help but smile, not changing the subject, not asking them to never ever say your name in front of me. I can’t fight the urge to think about you, even after I arrived home, even during my quiet moments. I wonder if distance and time have wiped me completely out of your mind. I wonder if there’s still a part of you that remembers the way I made you feel — special, important, loved, appreciated. 

I see how blooming you look like in your social media feeds, how your cheeks are redder than the last time that I saw you. My heart still beats faster every time I see you brimming with confidence, grinning as you look away from the camera. I know you’ve changed a little, but maybe you still have that compassionate, soft heart that cares for other people. Maybe it still remembers those that used to live in it. 

I would like to believe that though we drifted apart from each other, we would still form part of one another’s history. Because as crazy as this sounds, I think that people never really forget the relationships that they had. The emotions that they felt when they fell in love will forever stay in the corners of their hearts, reminding them that, at one point in their lives, they took a major risk and jumped in the name of romance. 

No one gets to be their most logical self once their hearts start beating wildly. All of us are capable of being vulnerable — our knees go weak, our thoughts swirl like tornado, our words jumble inside our mouths — each time we fall in love. And maybe that’s a wonderful thing, to be nervous, to be caught off guard, because it reminds us that we’re only humans, with feelings that tend to be complicated at times. 

I hope that when you happen to take a step back and allow yourself to relive the past, you get to recall me as the person who will always be happy for you no matter where you find yourself in this world. I hope that you don’t wince after remembering the heartfelt words that I delivered in front of you. I hope you understand that sharing feelings doesn’t equate to craziness. And I hope you finally realize that I only did my best to be as open and as honest human being to you. 

But perhaps I became way too much for you to handle — and that’s fine by me. What happened already happened. We are now moving forward to different directions, searching for what can really fulfill our soul. We are where we are because of the choices that we have made. I know it’s easy to blame fate for breaking us apart, but in reality, we have chosen to do nothing to close the gap between us. 

I often ask myself at which point did we start to lose interest in salvaging whatever feelings that we have left for each other. I’m scared to face the truth that maybe you were the first one to let go and I waited a little bit longer to do the same. I should have known earlier that most good things come to an end, and what we had was far too good to ever continue. 

I am so happy that you have found the right one, the better one, the person you’re going to see first when you open your eyes in the morning. I am so happy in the way you smile in those pictures, like you’ve won the lottery, like you have found a treasure. I am so happy that somebody has repaired all the broken pieces of you and helped you build yourself up again. I am so happy that somebody is now giving you that one thing that I can never give you. 

This life that you’re leading seems to be perfectly good for you. And I am so genuinely happy about it. I really do. And I think that, one of these days, I should start doing the same thing for me too. TC mark

Angelo Caerlang is the author of Sparks in Broken Lights.

Keep up with Angelo on Instagram, Twitter and theangelocaerlang.wordpress.com

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