I have never met my father. I don’t know who he is, what he’s like, where he is, why he’s irresponsible. I have no idea about him. But I do know that he’s alive, breathing just fine, feeling unbothered, and being a hero to others.
People talk about how it sucks to be rejected. And I understand why. I have become familiar with rejection even before I knew how to speak, how to walk, how to recognize a human’s face. I have become accustomed with uncomfortable situations when a stranger asks about my father, a question to which I don’t have any answer.
I will always be reminded by my father’s rejection, so I have no choice but to embrace it. I have no choice but to force myself to be brave, and convince myself that I’m going to be alright.
I didn’t have any father figure while growing up. And I hate that I don’t know the proper way to respect a man. I don’t know how to respond to a man’s help, because growing up, I learned to rely on my own, to do things on my own, to be better on my own. For most part, I have a hard time trusting other men.
And even with the vocabulary that I have learned over the years, I still don’t have words to describe what fatherly affection means.
But that doesn’t make me a foreigner to the concept of love.
Not having a father doesn’t make me a hateful person. My life isn’t as sad and broken as people think or expect it to be. I am not a troublemaker. I am not someone who thinks it’s okay to fail. I am just like you, and everyone else, who is striving every day not to be defined by his or her past.
I don’t have a picture perfect family, but that doesn’t affect the way I love.
Because I am good at showing and proving my love. I kiss someone on the cheek when I appreciate them. I hug someone who I haven’t seen in long time. I tell “I love you” to everyone who’s close to my heart. I share my biggest, sweetest smile to all. I don’t hold back when I’m happy.
I give my entire heart to someone who promises me the world. I let deserving people to be part of my life. I am slowly trying to hand my trust to anyone who shows interest in me. I open myself wholly, and dedicate my time to the people who are important to me.
I know how to love because I have learned, at a very young age, the what love is, and what love is not.
I know the kind of love that I deserve. I know the right amount of love that I need to give. I know when is the appropriate time to love more, and to love less. I know how to love too much. I know the kind of love that makes me a human. I know the kind of love that is destined for me.
I have a big, strong, sensitive, soft, considerate, loud, imperfect, positive, passionate heart.
And I can love, even without a father figure in my life.