Before I utter any words, I want to hold your face in my hands. I want to see if it’s still the same one I used to fall in love with, and get lost in. I want your face to remind me of who you are, of who we were, of what we had. I want to feel lucky that I get to see it again, and become breathless because of it.
I want to ask, “How are you doing?” But I don’t want you to tell me “I’m fine.” Because you know how upset that answer makes me. I want you to tell me everything that I missed out while we were not together. I want you to speak to me through your deepest core, and reveal to me the smallest details of your days without me.
I want you to tell me about your mom, about your love for her, about the food that she prepares for you, about how you still consider her as your hero. I want you to give me an accurate description of the weather in your place, so I can laugh when you start to sound like the weather forecaster on the news. I want you to impress me with the amount of knowledge that you have about the world right now.
I want you to keep talking. I don’t want you to stop. Because once I start to open my mouth, I’m not sure if I can trust myself with everything that I want to say.
I’m not sure if I can cover up the truth of what I have been meaning to tell you. I’m not sure if this is what you want to hear, if this is what you want to know. I’m not sure if I still have the right to care for you.
Because, honestly, I miss you every day.
I miss the times when I opened my phone and see your name there. I miss when you asked me to have dinner with you, and how we used to walk along the busy streets afterwards, in search of a star under the blur of a city skyline. I miss when you accidentally brushed your fingers against mine, and hid the blush that was slowly creeping on your cheeks. I miss the childish fights that we had, and how you ended up to be the one begging for reconciliation.
But I wonder if you miss me the same way that my heart aches from missing you.
I wonder if you miss the sound of my voice whenever I call you to make sure that you don’t oversleep. I wonder if you miss the way I would get annoyed whenever you showed up few minutes late. I wonder if you miss my confidence whenever I ask strangers for a direction.
And I wonder if you still love me.
Because I want you to know that I still love you.
I want you to know that nobody will ever replace you in my heart because I will always remember that you were the one who saved me when my life was spinning out of control. I want you to know that you keep appearing in my dreams, because I think about you before I fall asleep. I want you to know that it sucks to live every day far away from you. I want you to know that I don’t have the strength to delete the photographs that we have in my phone. And I want you to know that I still cry over losing you in my life.
Maybe I have so much faith in love. Maybe I can’t take away the positivity that lives inside of me. Maybe I will always be the person who chooses to see the good over the bad in all situations. Maybe my big, soft heart is the reason why I believe that we still have a chance to reconnect one day.
So I want you to please try.
Please try to hope that time will bring us back. Please try to not give up on the idea of us. Please try to hold on to the promises that we said to each other, before we separated in our different ways.
Because I’m trying, every day, to wait for the moment when I can hug you one more time.