I had a dream about you last night. We were together, holding hands, in a place that we both did not recognize. There was no space for heartbreak there. It was just me. And you. Alone in this place. This paradise. Our eyes locked on each other.
For just a moment it was our own little version of paradise. I wished that dream would have lasted forever.
I have recently come to terms with the fact that my dreams of us are so much more beautiful than the reality. I wanted to live in this dreamland forever. I wanted to love you forever. To give parts of myself to you. To wake up next to you to feel your warmth on the other side of bed.
You still live in my dreams, even though the waking existence of you has long left. You have found a home in the midnight hours in my bedroom. In the darkness. You crawl into my thoughts at car rides during sunset. 3 AM contemplations. Your name has been etched in the wrinkled sheets on the left side of my bed. I cannot sleep there anymore.
There are traces of you bleeding in the walls of this place you once called ours. You once called home. Your ghosts are still here. And I swear I can still feel your presence. Feel your heart beating next to me on the lonely nights.
But you are gone now. And you have left me talking to myself, wishing that you were still there, listening to me. Wishing I could monologue our memories enough that you would come back.
I remember the dinners we used to make together. I would share my favorite films with you like tiny offerings. You took them willingly. And I fell in love.
And now, it just hurts. It has been exactly 28 days, 3 hours, and 11 minutes since the phone call where you said goodbye. But I have to move on now. I have to wave goodbye to the ghosts of you that haunt me in my old sweaters that you used to wear at night. In the films I used to show you. In summer sunsets we used to watch together at the secret beach I showed you.
I must say goodbye to all of it. Not because I want to. But because I have to. You were my first love. But you will not be my last.
The memories have been beautiful. And I still thank myself everyday that I had the opportunity to share a part of myself with you. I wish you everything and more. Maybe one day we’ll find each other again, and this story of ours will have a different ending.
But for now… Goodbye.