I felt I needed a reason as to why my life had been orchestrated to fall apart. I was silly to believe the purpose was a negative one. I was incredibly naïve to think all the bad things happening were for a poor ending. An ending obviously not planned, an ending my feeble mind couldn’t wrap itself around. When people tell you to go out & be brave, to go out & get what you want, to go out & “be happy,” they don’t remind you of the roots planted, even if they were half-assed will still somehow be there. They don’t tell you of the hearts you’ll break. They don’t tell you how absolutely ridiculous you’ll sound when someone asks why you did it & you reply with “I wasn’t happy.” They won’t tell you how much you will burn on the way out.
And all of the people that danced with you at your celebrations & told you they were so happy for you will look down on you when you begin to fail because how dare you?! How dare someone change their mind?! How dare you not stay?! How dare you not do it the ‘right’ way?!
So you can tell them they can shove it. Yeah, it blows. It really fucking does. When you make plans & go out on a limb & declare the words “forever” only to be given a measly two years. And it sucks when you’re proven wrong but it’s also sweet when you prove that people survive & they move on & the world keeps fucking spinning because your life doesn’t make the world go ‘round. You’ll lose friendships & security & a ton of fun things but you’ll find yourself. And that’s when things start to get good.
Out of the past 11 months, I can only say one thing for certainty & it’s that I’ve learned; like my mom says, “the hard way.” But I have. And it’s too late to change anything at all because truth is, why would I go back on my word? Contradicting as hell isn’t it?
Do what you want!
Life’s an oyster!
It’s a beautiful world!
……. (insert slanted eye emoji)
So yes, it’s been tough but now I know that sometimes roots will still be there, but there’s this giant thing that you can use to break those roots & move your fucking tree. Just give it some soil & water & sunlight… it’ll live. And yes you will break hearts, but 9 times out of 10 the hearts that felt enough to break will be the hearts that love you enough to say they still love you & will support you no matter what. It may take a while, but they’ll be there—always. And absolutely you will sound so stupid when you say you want to be happy but it’s because it’s actually your balls talking & you’ve earned them because half the population hasn’t earned theirs so yeah, you’re going to look dumb talking out of your balls… and it’s an incredible feeling. And you’ll burn some bridges. And some tolls. And some roads & houses & a lot of shit but on your way out you’ll realize the light from the fire will light the rest of your way. And you won’t be so blindsided. And when you do stuff, you’ll actually mean it because you’ve become exhausted & you’re tired of basing your decisions on what others are going to think because if you read above they’re all a bunch of jerks who only want to see you when you’re good & run away when you’re in a lousy place.
But when the roots are out & the hearts have mended & the bridges are gone & you’ve moved on, you’ll finally realize the difference in being happy & putting on a show for the people who will forgive you anyways. Because the truth of it all is that it’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. And to ask for permission to live your life is the most naïve thing you could ever do.