10 Reasons I Wish I Was A Vegetarian And 10 Reasons Why I’ll Never Be One

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I want so badly to belong to the vegetarian community. I mean, they’re just the coolest people ever, and really, it’s hard not to admire anyone who is that dedicated to such a positive cause. Below, find the 10 reasons why I wish I were a vegetarian.

1. Natalie Portman.

2. PETA has the ability to make everyone feel like a neo-Nazi in .0001 seconds.

3. Yoga and vegetarianism just seem to vibe better than, say — oh I don’t know, yoga and steak burritos.

4. No one really wants to kill animals. Well, I’d at least hope not.

5. If you eat organically, I suppose vegetarianism would be an easier way to avoid those nasty hormone chemicals and preservatives found in a lot of the meats we eat.

6. Vegetarianism just seems like the 2014 kind of thing to do. Like, we’re all in this together, right?

7. A lot of hipsters are vegetarians. I love hipsters.

8. I could probably have a pet fish without feeling incredibly guilty about it.

9. Lambs! God save the lambs!–but Gyros…

10. Natalie Portman.

Having said that…it’s Friday night and as usual I’m working on nothing short of a shitload of homework that I’ve managed to neglect until the very last minute, when all of a sudden my mind wanders elsewhere — or more specifically, to Barberitos. Okay, so yeah I did just recommit to vegetarianism for the 239847237x this past week, but their burritos are so damn good and like, I deserve it right? Yes, the answer is yes. But wait, what on Earth happened to the girl who was so disgusted by those horrid PETA videos depicting animal abuse beyond comprehension or excited to rediscover that altruistic feeling of loving thy neighbor–in this case, thy critter? Well from the looks of it, I’m afraid she has left the building on account of the fact that the STEAK burrito has long since been ordered despite her best efforts (okay, maybe not best) to diffuse her carnivorous cravings. If I sound like a ravenous, blood-thirsty creature it’s because that’s what happens when you don’t eat meat for a week. Below, the 10 reasons why I’ll never become a vegetarian.

1. I have a vintage leather jacket that smells like the inside of a ’65 stang that I will never part with.

2. I am half Korean and therefore must consume large quantities of Kalbi from time to time.

3. I am legitimately allergic to all uncooked nuts, soy milk and some fruit.

4. I like the idea of being a vegetarian but not so much the practice — kind of like communism.

5. I am a [proudly] corrupt Buddhist. #NamasteBitches.

6. I hate vegetarian meat substitutes such as mushrooms, eggplant and beans (unless in burrito form).

7. I’m not willing to eat more carbohydrates in place of dairy and meat products because I’m vain and don’t want to get fat.

8. My cats and I wouldn’t be able to share food anymore–okay, I’m running out of reasons.

9. Even my headphones are lined with leather.

10. Burritos.