A Letter To The Person Who Used My Facebook Photos To Create An OkCupid Account

Dear Sir/ Madame,

When I read that ChapStick was one of the six things you could never do without, I thought to myself, My gosh, I must write to this person immediately. Besides our mutual love of lip protection, we seem to have many other things in common, and I know that OkCupid is mostly for easy romps, but your profile does say that you’re also looking for friends, so here I am, writing to be your friend.

I find it really endearing when you say that you have a strong attachment to your stuffed animal. When I was little, one of my mother’s friends presented me with a white stuffed cat that I love to this very day. His name is Snowball. Does your stuffed animal have a name as well? Wouldn’t it be crazy if yours was a cat, too? Ha, it’d be double crazy if it had the same name as mine!

Like you, I also love spending some of my Friday nights at home with a nice cup of tea. I’m quite partial to Earl Grey with milk and sugar.

I read that you love bad reality TV. Me too! I was really into the Jersey Shore’s first season and now I’m watching Lifetime’s Russian Dolls. If you haven’t seen it yet, you really should. It mostly concerns itself with the uncertainty that mushrooms into effect when the cultivation of Soviet traditions such as vodka consumption are mixed into American ideals, like bologna on white bread. I’m a Russian Jew. You seem to have a little Eastern European in you, but that might just be the lighting in your photos.

Speaking of your photos, I wanted to let you know that I think that they’re really nice, like your profile pic in that black satin mask. Very mysterious and alluring. And the one with you rowing a boat in that sweet black dress while your face is slightly turned to the side and the evidence of a smirk’s beginning can be gently traced along the curve of your lips. Simply breathtaking. Looks like that was in Central Park, yes? Oh, I also like that one of you with your guy friend. Funny, my boyfriend’s bandmate looks just like him! I like how you two are ironically comparing muscles.

How is being a recently graduated illustrator working out for you? I like to write. Maybe we can collaborate sometime? I think it’s really great that you’re good at “drawing/ painting, laughing and wine-ing.” My friend created this drink he likes to call “Hood Rich,” just a splash of Dr. Pepper into a glass of red wine. You should try it! Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you, you really shouldn’t be so modest. You wrote that you “guess” your eyes are the first thing people notice about you. I think your eyes are beautiful and they’re definitely the first thing people notice about you.

Not to sound like a creep or anything, but I think of you during the cold breaks of an autumn night, when my slumber is insolvent, when my eyes are droopy yet kicking because of the sirens crying out in my apartment building’s parking lot. I think of you when I begin to stare too strongly at my MacBook Pro’s blinking sleep light, and when I read smart quotes aimed at soft women, like Homer’s “You will never be lovelier than you are now.”

I hope you’re doing well. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Best wishes,
Angela

P.S. You really remind me of someone. TC mark

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  • Tori Houston

    brilliant. 

  • Naomi

    Oh my gosh, I am laughing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    Passive aggressive, but I still like it.

  • Asdf

    Sorry. My bad.

  • Anonymous

    wish someone would steal -my- pictures…

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Hint: post some where you aren’t mashing things into your face.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14835243 Clarence Johnson

    This is an awful lot of work to go to just to convince your boyfriend you weren’t checking for other options behind his back.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14835243 Clarence Johnson

    This is an awful lot of work to go to just to convince your boyfriend you weren’t checking for other options behind his back.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14835243 Clarence Johnson

    This is an awful lot of work to go to just to convince your boyfriend you weren’t checking for other options behind his back.

  • Lala

    i don’t understand.. how are they going to explain when someone wants to meet them that they are suddenly a different person? ew..

  • RicePaperPlant

    I feel like the epistolary format steals from the effectiveness of your concept. The vieled humor was certainly weaked by it; however, the piece was personal and thus legitimized, worthy of a chuckle hear and there. I wish you’d gone into your feelings– of violation? disgust? flattery?– rather than simply writing them this subtly bitchy note which you probably didn’t even send.

    I think the concept is still pretty interesting, nonetheless. Maybe a more fleshed out follow-up would be appropriate? 

    • Macho Megapenis

      That’s gay.

    • JPVV

      LOL… I hope that is how you talk to your kids.

      Fucking asshole.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

        They shared their opinion, gave reasons as to why they feel the way they do, and suggested a way to make it better in their opinion. They’re less of an asshole than ninety-five percent of the people on this site (including myself).

      • RicePaperPlant

        I’m still a pretty big asshole. I mean, I wrote “hear and there” rather than “here and there.” The malaise of Thought Catalog comment threads is clearly consuming my soul.

      • Putter

        wtf? overly sensitive butthurt dweller

      • Putter

        wtf? overly sensitive butthurt dweller

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      I’m going to have to +1 this, because I didn’t get the chance to write it first.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    Someone once told me: “You’re a lot more interesting in person than on Grindr.”

    What. The. Fuck.

    Shoulda borrowed his iPhone jsut to track down that fucker lol.

  • John

    My last remaining friend made a cupid profile for me using my FB photos; I wasn’t happy and deleted it, as well as all the facebook pics, and then six months later I made my own profile, based on some of the things he wrote for me.  I had two dates in 8 months, the first and second of my life, and then gave up, in February.  So anyway, “OKCupid is mostly for easy romps”: let’s read about the romps.  This whole article was an introduction to the romps, right?  We all want to read about the doing it. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

      oh, h o n e y. :(

  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous
  • Kaitlynclement

    im definitely making a hood rich tonight

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