A Letter To The Person Who Used My Facebook Photos To Create An OkCupid Account

Dear Sir/ Madame,

When I read that ChapStick was one of the six things you could never do without, I thought to myself, My gosh, I must write to this person immediately. Besides our mutual love of lip protection, we seem to have many other things in common, and I know that OkCupid is mostly for easy romps, but your profile does say that you’re also looking for friends, so here I am, writing to be your friend.

I find it really endearing when you say that you have a strong attachment to your stuffed animal. When I was little, one of my mother’s friends presented me with a white stuffed cat that I love to this very day. His name is Snowball. Does your stuffed animal have a name as well? Wouldn’t it be crazy if yours was a cat, too? Ha, it’d be double crazy if it had the same name as mine!

Like you, I also love spending some of my Friday nights at home with a nice cup of tea. I’m quite partial to Earl Grey with milk and sugar.

I read that you love bad reality TV. Me too! I was really into the Jersey Shore’s first season and now I’m watching Lifetime’s Russian Dolls. If you haven’t seen it yet, you really should. It mostly concerns itself with the uncertainty that mushrooms into effect when the cultivation of Soviet traditions such as vodka consumption are mixed into American ideals, like bologna on white bread. I’m a Russian Jew. You seem to have a little Eastern European in you, but that might just be the lighting in your photos.

Speaking of your photos, I wanted to let you know that I think that they’re really nice, like your profile pic in that black satin mask. Very mysterious and alluring. And the one with you rowing a boat in that sweet black dress while your face is slightly turned to the side and the evidence of a smirk’s beginning can be gently traced along the curve of your lips. Simply breathtaking. Looks like that was in Central Park, yes? Oh, I also like that one of you with your guy friend. Funny, my boyfriend’s bandmate looks just like him! I like how you two are ironically comparing muscles.

How is being a recently graduated illustrator working out for you? I like to write. Maybe we can collaborate sometime? I think it’s really great that you’re good at “drawing/ painting, laughing and wine-ing.” My friend created this drink he likes to call “Hood Rich,” just a splash of Dr. Pepper into a glass of red wine. You should try it! Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you, you really shouldn’t be so modest. You wrote that you “guess” your eyes are the first thing people notice about you. I think your eyes are beautiful and they’re definitely the first thing people notice about you.

Not to sound like a creep or anything, but I think of you during the cold breaks of an autumn night, when my slumber is insolvent, when my eyes are droopy yet kicking because of the sirens crying out in my apartment building’s parking lot. I think of you when I begin to stare too strongly at my MacBook Pro’s blinking sleep light, and when I read smart quotes aimed at soft women, like Homer’s “You will never be lovelier than you are now.”

I hope you’re doing well. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Best wishes,

P.S. You really remind me of someone. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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