For the longest time I thought I was unlovable. Throughout high school and early college, I was the girl that had all of the boy friends, but never the boyfriend. I was the girl that had a lot of almost relationships. As I got older, the relationships I was in were indefinable. While my cousins brought home their significant others to Christmas parties and weddings and other family social gatherings, I was the girl that was constantly hounded by her aunts and uncles and grandparents. “When are you going to bring a fella?” “You got yourself a boyfriend?” They’d say. It got to the point where my grandma was giving me dating tips. It seemed I’d never have anyone. I wanted someone so badly, and while there were opportunities, I didn’t want to force something. I refused to settle.
For the past few years, I have really been able to embrace who I am as a person. I did things I wanted to do. I moved away. I moved back. I traveled. I picked up new hobbies. I worked on me. I found that I was now ready for the thing I had always wanted: a definable relationship. I was tired of being in question marks. I was tired of not feeling “enough” for someone. I was tired of being an object.
I started to date. I met people the old fashioned way and I was also on dating sites. SO many dating sites. But what I found was that maybe, all along, I had secretly been a commitment-phobe. I was ready to date now, but no guy could make it past date three with me. I started to take a good look at my previous relationships. Had I been in the question marks, because deep down I knew it would never amount to anything? Had I sought out the safe, half-way guys, because they could never truly hurt me? Had I been tricking myself for years just to avoid the commitment I so thought I wanted?
I don’t know. I do know that I had dated two people fairly steadily (at two different points in my life), even though I knew they would be moving within a short amount of time. I know I had many almost relationships that never amounted to anything (mostly due to the guy and due to my laissez-faire attitude). I know that I used to size guys up within a short period of time and have a panic attack if I looked into the future and didn’t like what I saw. So what now? How would I fix it?
It happened suddenly and all at once. I met my current boyfriend and almost immediately wrote him off just because he is two years younger than me. When we did begin our journey together, we went about our relationship in the most backward of ways. Yet, somehow, it worked.
He is nothing like the type of guy I would typically go for. He is left brained and I’m completely right brained. We have some common interests, but mostly, I think we learn from each other. In a way, our differences bring us together. I’ve never felt so at ease around a significant other the way I do with him. I’ve never had so much fun as I do with him. What we have is effortless, completely silly, and overall beautiful.
I don’t know if it took me finding myself over the course of all of those indefinable and “almost” relationships or if it was my realizing my issues with commitment, or if it was just my looking outside of my “type.” Whatever it is, I’m happy and panic attack free, because for the first time, I’m with someone and I’m not worried about tomorrow. I’m too busy embracing today and today is pretty good.