10 Signs You Know You’re In A Real, True, 100% ‘Healthy Relationship’

1. He dumps you before every break you have.

It’s college. You get summer, winter, Spring break and Thanksgiving. So you’re really only together for two months each time before he decides to end it again. And then as soon as you’re back he wants the sexual stability so you get back together. And the cycle continues.

2. You’ve slept with more people than he has, so of course he has to catch up!

One night you finally reveal how many guys you have slept with, and it’s more than the number of girls he’s slept with, so over the summer he decides to make it equal and goes on a sex-spree. That was a fun conversation when you got back together after the break.

3. You don’t think there is such a thing as an invasion of privacy.

You sneak into his email and Facebook. Since it’s a new relationship you get his email address wrong and he figures out what you were trying to do. But you did get to see that he wasn’t messaging the ex-love-of-his-life like you suspected!

4. You ignore his reasonable requests when he goes on study abroad.

The two things he asks from you are to use a condom with anyone else, and not to hook up with anyone in his frat. Womp womp. You find the ugliest guy in his frat, who is in a relationship, make out with him, forget about it, and then get yelled at in the middle of the dining hall by his girlfriend.

5. He says his ex-love-of-his-life’s name while you’re having sex.

And then you get a UTI the next morning. He comes to visit you in NYC and sleeps over. You have too much sake (because it doesn’t actually taste like anything) and attempt to have what ends up being really messy sex. He says her name; you get mad, cry, and then pass out. Just another typical night… sigh.

6. He says “I love you” one night, and then denies it.

Since alcohol is such a prominent aspect of your relationship, you guys get wasted as usual; he says the dreaded three words and conveniently forgets the next day.

7. He doesn’t tell you when he’s in a new relationship, then shoves it in your face.

After three years and a mutual break-up, you should have a right to know. But instead, when you’re going with friends to an alumni wine tasting event, he decides to be the frat boy that he is and make out with his new chick right in front of you, the entire day. Oh, and then has the audacity to high-five you at the end of the day.

8. You are escorted up to his apartment, with the cops, at 3:00 AM.

You’re completely inebriated and were wandering around his apartment complex (barefooted) looking for his place. The apartment security finds you in an incomprehensible state, and instead of arresting you they’re nice enough to take you to his place. The roommate opens the door, rolls his eyes and lets you in. You then get naked and curl up in your boy’s bed and think nothing of it.

9. All he remembers from your holiday with his family is the sex on the beach.

His sister hates all his ex’s, but loved you. You watched Grease with his mom. You ate cake with his dad. You cooked a meal for everyone and played mini-golf, but all he remembers is great doggy-style sex on the beach at night in the moonlight.

10. You have the hypothetical abortion talk.

He jokingly says he would just push you down the stairs. He had a fund for the ex-love-of-his-life.

If you aren’t sure how sarcasm works, you may want to re-read the section with the definition in mind *the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.*

But since I’m now an “adult” and surprisingly no longer bitter about this guy, I have to remember the good times as well… (I don’t want his new girlfriend reading this and thinking he’s insane).

  • He always took you out to expensive dinner for your birthdays.
  • He sang your favorite songs to you in bed while cuddling.
  • He would surprise you with your favorite chocolate.
  • He was protective and a healthy amount of jealous throughout your relationship.
  • He wrote you a poem when you finally broke up, for real. Thought Catalog Logo Mark


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