The vigorous feeling that filters out every possible thing that would disturb your solitude – your hopes, dazzling outlook in life and self-esteem, replacing it all with agitating thoughts of your dumb mistakes, failures and misfortune.
The forceful feeling of completely losing yourself into a different dimension that you see everywhere you turn and can’t stop thinking about that makes you feel like it’s eating you alive. Slowly and undeniably.
My teacher once told us that there will always be a time that each one of us will go through depression, saying that all of us will experience this inevitable feeling of melancholy. Upon hearing those words, thoughts of the past came to my mind.
I remember the first quarter of 8th grade, I was known to be one of the most enthusiastic, blissful and lively students that participated in every activity that I possibly could. I loved how my parents react whenever they see that I’m doing well in school (because hey, who doesn’t?)
Not until everything slipped out of my grip and I started feeling like I am lost in a deep, black hole. I became something my childhood-self never imagined I would be.
They wanted me to exert more effort and so I tried, Oh dear, God knows how hard I tried my very best but then I started having academic stress that eventually led me to emotional neglect that gave me anxiety, low self-esteem and thoughts of being worthless that entered my mind and stayed, for quite a long time. Everything went downhill from there. I did not bother to tell anyone because I don’t want anyone to know.
I do not want pity from any other person. So I went on with my life and pretended to be my normal self and as every day passes by, it’s getting harder for me to breathe. I don’t get enough sleep anymore; there are times when I would go to school having no sleep at all. I did not do anything the night before though, I just laid on my bed, stared at the ceiling and kept asking the same question over and over, “Why am I even alive?”
A few of the people who really knew me started noticing how I changed my ways. How I became less talkative than I usually am, how my heart transformed to stone, how I became a heartless monster that cares about completely nothing. Yes, I became a cold-blooded and emotionless person. I did not care what people say anymore, I just kept on doing my thing and believe it or not, sometimes not caring is really helpful. Sometimes. Not all the time. I set my fears aside and talked to someone whom I trust fully.
Whenever I tell her about how my day went, she was just going to listen most of the time and won’t speak much. I asked her about it because I was worried she was just being forced to talk and listen to me but then she told me, “Sometimes, all we have to do is listen.” And she does not need to explain it anymore. I already understood. Believe me when I say that talking to someone and having someone who will listen to you helps much more than not caring about anything.
After a few months, I felt like I was going back to my real and joyous self. It was like everything was back to normal. Then I realized that I did not recover, I just got used to it. I got used to the pain I deal with every day of my life. I got used to sound of my demons whispering to my ear. I had a breakdown after that realization, I relapsed. Then it hit me, it does not mean I was getting depressed again, it means I was getting better because relapsing is just a part of recovery. It happened again but if “Good things come to an end,” it definitely means that bad things — depression, will end, too.
Here I am now, comfortably sharing my story with you. It’s definitely painful to be depressed and if you are in the same pit as I was, I want you to get up and start climbing out of it. Have people whom you completely trust and talk to them. Do not hesitate. But there is one thing I can promise you and be certain of. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be difficult, very difficult.
It’s going to consume time. You’re going to experience sudden relapses that will make you crumble. But depression does not stay with you for the rest of your life. You have so much ahead of you. You have to believe me when I say that everything will be alright and all of these sufferings will soon be over and it will all be worth it!
You are going to be greater than great! In fact, you are great as you are right now. You have reached this point of your life and that explains it all. You are an amazing person who exists because you are something. You are not what your demons tell you, not even close.
Someday, when everything you thought would never end finally reached its end of the line, you will look back to your past and remember how you thought of yourself as the teenager who believed that he was a burden to every single person he loved and you will finally look at yourself in the mirror and smile as wide as you could and confidently tell yourself, “I survived.”
And when the time comes that you are able to tell your story without shedding a tear? That’s when you know you have healed.