I Lost You When You Left Me To Find Yourself

He

“I need to find myself.”

Those were the words she spoke to me the morning she left me to find himself. I will never forget the irony of that moment โ€“ it was a beautiful Sunday morning but it was possibly the most horrible day of my life. The orange sunlight was seeping through my shades, temporarily blinding me, but I couldn’t move. I was in physical pain and was numbed to the core. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea of her leaving me for something that I found so stupid and so idealistic. I couldn’t understand her sudden disinterest in me, and in our relationship. We’ve been together for such a long time and I can’t believe she’s tossing everything out for some preconceived notion of individuality. I wanted to throw a million questions at her but my fingers wouldn’t allow me.

But then another text message registered on my phone. It was from her.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

I sat there, reading the stupid message for what seemed to be forever, when I started to break down to pieces. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It was so sudden and I couldn’t accept it. Is this just some lame excuse to break up with me so she could be with someone else?

“Who is he?”

There, I finally mustered enough courage to send her a text.

“There is no he and there has never been one. I need to do this for myself.”

I let out a sigh of relief. I never really doubted her loyalty to me but I was still more than thankful to squish the third party notion. And despite what was happening, I believe her. But the confirmation does not make this any less painful. It doesn’t make it okay. I’m still confused but I can somehow feel the finality of her words.

“I’m losing you, aren’t I?”

I was afraid to hear the answer that I already knew but I had to ask the question anyway.

“I’m sorry.”

That was all she said. That was the last time I heard from her.

How do you cope with the loss of someone you love to her personal whims? How do you accept that the life she wants for herself does not include you? I might never get the answers to my whys and hows but I do know one thing: she took a part of me with her when she left that day. And I don’t think I will ever get it back. I lost her when she left me to find herself.


image - iStockphoto
image – iStockphoto

She

“I need to find myself.”

I didn’t sleep the entire night because I was so nervous to do what I was about to do to the most important person in my life. I couldn’t bear the thought of giving him up, of hurting him, but I knew I had to. I had to do this for myself. It wasn’t an overnight decision โ€“ this has been lingering at the back of my mind for months now but I never wanted to acknowledge it because I was scared to know the answer. But today is different. I decided that today is the day I’m doing something about it. This is the scariest and most selfish thing I’ve done so far and I know very well that this is unfair for him but I have no choice.

I’ve lost myself โ€“ my true self โ€“ in the course of our relationship and I need to find the old me back. We’ve been immersed in each other for so long and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. He was controlling and possessive โ€“ definite red flags from the beginning but I brushed those off as his way of showing how much he cared. He wanted to control the way I dressed and the people I talked to and I let him. I lost all sense of identity while we were together and I don’t like the person I’ve become along the way. I’ve become needy, insecure, and dependent on him and I hate it. I don’t know who this girl is. The old me used to be fearless, confident, and independent but somehow, I was reduced to an inhibited and helpless woman who doubted herself all the time. At the back of my mind, I knew that this was bound to happen at some point, I just didn’t think that this would happen to me. I didn’t think I’d let this happen to me.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

My thumb lingered over the send button for about 10 minutes before I finally sent the message. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I loved him, but I don’t think I can do this anymore. Tears are flowing freely from my eyes now. I can’t believe I’m doing this.

“Who is he?”

My breathing stopped when I read those three words. I couldn’t blame him for suspecting my motives because I planted that seed of doubt in his mind. But it was still painful to hear him question my loyalty.

“There is no he and there has never been one. I need to do this for myself.”

I hope he believes me, because it’s the truth. I couldn’t stand the thought of him believing a lie. I couldn’t explain myself to him, though. I know he won’t understand and I know for a fact that he won’t let me leave if I tell him why.

“I’m losing you, aren’t I?”

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling now. He lost me a long time ago โ€“ around the same time I realized that I no longer know myself. But I can’t give him the answer that I want because I know that this is just going to break his heart even more. So I said the only thing that I could really say.

“I’m sorry.”

That’s all I could muster. I know he deserves more โ€“ an explanation, an affirmation of my love for him, a do-over perhaps โ€“ but I don’t think I have the courage to give him what he wants. Right now I need to move on with my life and I pray that in the coming months, he does too. I hope he finds a girl who can help him right his wrongs and make him realize the importance of her individuality. Because I can no longer be that person for him.

I’m leaving to find the girl I lost in you. TC mark

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