When Sunny Days Become The Saddest

If I sit in the rain, maybe I can drown in something else besides my thoughts. The pitter patter against the window can replace the screaming voices in my head, the silence in my heart. Sitting in the rain is a chance for lonely people to be touched, and I wonder what it says about me that going outside with an umbrella has never even crossed my mind.

I miss the sunshine and crave it, but feeling empty when the sky is blue and the light is bright… that’s a different kind of hurt. Those days when no song, no ray of sunshine, and no friendly smile from a stranger can make your heart feel light are the hardest. I want to be around people; I want to walk outside on a sunny day. But feeling alone in a crowd and feeling darkness in the sun… that’s a different kind of hurt. What a hypocrite my feelings are.

And then there are moments when I smile, maybe even laugh. And it’s real, I know it is, but I fight it. Because if my heart soars for even five minutes, if I let myself get closer to the sun, the fall will be so much worse. Icarus knows.

That’s the thing about these days: they are unpredictable. Some mornings I wake up and know that the day is already gone. Those are my favorite. I hate the days when the mornings deceive me. I will feel okay, maybe even good, and embrace the day. I make plans and have plans and look forward to the rest of it. And then, suddenly, I don’t. My life folds in on itself as I fold myself into my blankets, hiding in my bed until I can bare the world again. And the sun keeps shining and I close the blinds because it hurts too much. I feel too alone. I crave the rain.

The worst part about being sad is that you get to a point where you don’t even know what makes you happy anymore. You know there are things you used to like, places you wanted to go, days you felt joy. But it all feels so far away. It was washed away by the rain. The world looks just a little different in gray.