I’m Sorry I Didn’t Love You Enough

blue haired woman in grey top in front of body of water
Andrew Ly / Unsplash

I spent the past 26 years of my life dreaming about you, praying for you and waiting for you to come, only to realize that when you finally came to my life, I didn’t love you enough.

When I kept asking for a bouquet of flowers without recognizing that you have already given me an entire garden, I realized I wasn’t grateful enough.

When I would call you to complain about how stressful my day has been without even bothering to ask about how your day went, I realized I wasn’t caring enough.

When I would get irritated by your slightest shortcomings including your late responses to my messages, I realized I wasn’t patient enough.

When I would mention about the beautiful things other men had given me in the past and compare you to them, I realized I wasn’t sensitive enough.

When I would feel jealous and insecure about the women who got involved with you before, I realized I wasn’t trusting enough.

When despite the fact that I know you are right, I would still try to outwit you through my arguments and ideas because I want to prove that I know better, I realized I wasn’t humble enough.

When after a fight I would harbor hurt feelings against you and recount the many instances that you made me feel bad, I realized that I kept a record of your wrongsI wasn’t forgiving enough.

When I would insist on doing things my way regardless of how it would make you feel, I realized I wasn’t considerate enough.

And when I would think about “me,” “my” feelings and what “I” want before putting your best interests at heart, I was self-seeking. I realized I wasn’t selfless enough.

The moment I responded to you with the words “I love you too…” was the very first time I said those words to a man. And it took me 26 years to withhold those words from every man who came before you. I said to myself that by the moment I finally get to say these words, I want it to be special. I want my man to feel special knowing that he is the first and last man who would hear these words from me. But now, I realized that no matter how special I might have made you feel, no matter how powerful these words may seem, and no matter how sincere I am in saying these words, these words are void and empty if my expression of love is faulty.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

With this my dear, I know very well, that by the standards of the Author of Love Himself, my love for you has fallen short. And until that day when I can boldly say that I have loved you the 1 Corinthians way, then I recognize that I still haven’t loved you enough.

In the coming days, months and years, I pray that God will give me the grace to love you unconditionally just as He first loved me. TC mark

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