Dr. O’Brien – Pediatrician
I went to Dr. O’Brien from ages 0 to 21, I think. Maybe longer. I have thrown up in his office between 7 and 25 times for various reasons. Dr. O’Brien has a son who is my age who I’ll call “Seamus.” Seamus and I went to different elementary, middle, and junior high schools though we went to the same high school. I think he was on the crew team or the soccer team or both. He was considered “preppy,” I’d say, due to my mental image of him wearing khaki pants/shorts and Ralph Lauren/Lacoste/light-yellow polo shirts
invariably for four straight years. At some point junior year, our social circles “crossed paths” somewhat because someone was dating someone. I remember hanging out with Seamus in a basement one night and approaching him and saying “you’re dad is my doctor” while under the heavy influence of marijuana. I don’t remember him saying anything back to me. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him open his mouth in any sort of communicative manner. Later that night his girlfriend
broke up with him or something and I have a very clear memory of him crying in the basement and then running up a flight of stairs out of the basement, crying. I remember saying aloud “is he ok?” to which someone said “oh yeah, he does this all the time.” His dad has seen my testicles ~50 times.
Dr. Ford – Orthodontist
During my senior year of high school I had a job delivering pizzas for a local pizza restaurant. One time it was dark and I had trouble finding the house I was delivering to. (I found out several months later that I needed glasses.) While trying to find the house, I developed an urge to poop that seemed to increase with something like an exponential growth rate. Before long the urge to poop was far more urgent than delivering the pizza. I began to panic. I considered pooping in a field or a bush and wiping with leaves or a stick or something, but then I thought I should just knock on a door and ask a person to use their bathroom. I did that. A small boy answered the door and I explained my situation to him and he let me use the bathroom next to the foyer. I pooped and was wiping when the boy’s mom knocked on the door and asked who I was and what I was doing. I explained my situation to her and apologized a lot and acknowledged that what I was doing was really weird. Then the boy’s dad came and said he was calling the police. I begged him not to do that. I washed my hands and opened the door. The boy’s dad was my orthodontist, Dr. Ford. I hadn’t seen him in a few years and he didn’t recognize me. I reminded him of who I was and even showed him my driver’s license to prove it. He apologized quietly and asked me how I was doing.
Dr. Bandow – Dermatologist
In the winter of 2009 I was getting weird rashes on my thighs from the long underwear I was wearing at the time. I went to the dermatologist and they performed a few cultures on the rash which came back inconclusive. During one of my visits Dr. Bandow suggested making a small incision in the rash and removing a piece of skin to test it for something. She said it would hurt and there would be a small scar. I asked if it was necessary. Dr. Bandow then said something like, “Well I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t think it was necessary… what…do you think I just go around cutting people up for fun?” As she said this her voice went from calm and quiet to loud and frightening. She was visibly upset. I don’t remember what happened next but she didn’t cut me and the rash cleared up with some special soap they gave me.
I don’t remember her name – Physician’s Assistant
I went to the doctor for a physical and the physician’s assistant came into the room and did the things they do before the real doctor comes. She took out that thing they use to look into your ears and looked into my ears. She said, “Your ears are filthy” with a sort of rehearsed, melodramatic disgust. Then she did something – I couldn’t see what because it was happening behind me – and stuck a tube into my ear. Then she squirted a lot of water into my ear and a large brown thing came out. It was furry and about the same size as my name written in 26 pt., caps-lock Times New Roman:
I said “shit” loudly and asked what the fuck it was and if it had come out of my ear. She said it was dirt and it had come out of my ear and that it wasn’t abnormal. Then she did the same thing to the other ear.