Well boy howdy do I have some exciting news! Now that The Hobbit trilogy has wrapped up, Hollywood executives are desperate to find a way to reboot The Lord of the Rings. And it looks like they’ve found their saving grace. George R.R. Martin, the man behind the hugely popular Game of Thrones series, has been confirmed to write a reimagined screenplay for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, set to be released right after he finishes the seventh book in The Song of Ice and Fire in 2034.
And guess what? I’ve obtained a leaked copy of the first draft of A Lord of Ring by Mr. Martin himself.
Warning: spoilers below.
A Fellowship of Ring
The series opens with a narration from Galadriel telling us how Sauron, the Lord of Dark and enemy of the feudal aristocracy and landed peasantry of Middle Earth has returned.
It then cuts to Gandalf arriving at the Shire. After a long journey he immediately goes to the Green Dragon Brothel and walks in on Lord Bilbo of House Baggins banging some Shire wench from behind mere seconds before he blows his wad. Bilbo welcomes Gandalf and they both smoke lots and lots of pipe weed.
Lord Bilbo, Warden of the Shire—having failed to sire any children with the Gloina of House Oakenshield (hobbits and dwarves don’t breed well), whom he had wed to forge an alliance with the Dwarves of Erebor after the quest to retake The Lonely Mountain from the dragon usurper—reluctantly bequeaths the ring to his bastard son Frodo, and then departs for Rivendale.
Frodo and Gandalf realize the ring is the Ring of Power. Frodo leaves for Rivendale with Sam, Mary and Pippen while Gandalf rides to Isengard to seek council from his gay lover Saruman. Saruman says something about smoke rising from Mount Doom and then the scene cuts to Saruman banging Gandalf from behind mere seconds before he blows his wad. Saruman then tells Gandalf he must bend the knee or Sauron will destroy him. Gandalf refuses and is imprisoned in the sky cell of Isengard and used as Saruman’s play thing until he is rescued by an Eagle.
Aragorn finds Frodo, Sam, Mary and Pippen and sees the crisis brought on by the War of the Ring as the perfect opportunity to retake the Mithril Throne of Gondor. But on the way to Rivendale, they are attacked by Nazgul and Frodo is stabbed by a Morgul steel sword. They go off in search for some kingsfoil as Lady Arwen sneaks up on Aragorn and puts a knife to his throat. “What’s this, a ranger caught off his guard?” Scene cuts to Aragorn banging Arwen from behind mere seconds before he blows his wad. Arwen then rides off with Frodo to save him.
In Rivendale, Lord Elrond has summoned the feudal lords of Middle Earth for a meeting to decide what to do with the ring. Lord Boromir (with Sean Bean reprising his role, of course) rudely interrupts Aragorn. Legolas tells him that Aragorn is the son of Isildur and the rightful heir to the throne of Gondor. “Gondor has no king, Gondor needs no king,” Boromir replies.
Aragorn stands up and shouts, “The Mithril Throne of Gondor is mine by right, you’ll bend the knee or I’ll destroy you,” Boromir refuses. Aragorn orders his Elvish bannermen to arrest Boromir. “One does not simply arrest Lord Boromir. I demand a trial by combat!” Aragorn obliges this request and proceeds to cut Boromir’s throat and pull his esophagus out through the hole in his neck. Boromir falls to the ground and dies horribly in a pool of his own blood.
The Fellowship (minus Boromir) sets out for Mordor. On the way through the Mines of Moria, Gimli leaves the fellowship briefly to kill his father Gloin with a crossbow. When he returns, Aragorn mistakenly believes him to be a deserter. Aragorn flays Gimli.
Gimli’s screams alert the goblins and a cave troll to their presence. Lots of blood and guts and death ensues. Bilbo had given Frodo a Mithril vest, but like some stupid Stark, Frodo forgot to put it on and is skewered by the cave troll like a wild boar. His guts fall out all over the floor. Frodo desperately tries to put them back in before he breathes his last hopeless breath. Sam takes the ring.
The goblins are then scarred off by the Balrog, who proceeds to fights with Gandalf in a battle that leads to both their deaths. Gandalf then comes back to life as a zombie Gandalf dead set on eating all of his enemies.
Orcs then attack what’s left of the fellowship and take Mary and Pippen hostage. Aragorn and Legolas go with zombie Gandalf to Edoras to rally support from their Rohirrim bannermen to retake Gondor. Sam continues on toward Mordor.
A Two of Towers
The orcs bury Pippen alive to honor the Lord of Dark. Mary escapes, but not before being castrated.
Aragorn, Legolas and zombie Gandalf arrive at Edoras where Saruman has taken control of King Theoden’s mind with the help of the devious Grima Wormtongue. Aragorn demands that Theoden bend the knee. He mumbles incoherently in response. Gandalf proceeds to eat Theoden while Aragorn flays Grima. Theoden’s nephew Eomer returns to Edoras and bends the knee.
Aragorn agrees to wed Lady Eowyn—Lord Eomer’s sister—to bind House Rohan with House Gondor and secure his hold on the west. They then set off to take Helms Deep while their Entish bannermen attack Isengard. Lots of blood and guts and death ensues. Aragorn is victorious at Helm’s Deep. The Ents take Isengard and on Aragorn’s command, flay Saruman living.
Gollum finds Sam and Sam enslaves him as his guide. They then encounter Lord Faramir, who takes them both hostage. Sam puts on the ring to become invisible. He then sneaks up and disembowels Faramir. Lord Faramir’s internal organs splatter all over the floor. His last lucid sight is that of Gollum feasting on his exposed entrails. “Is it tasty? Is it scrumptious!” Once Gollum is finished, they both run off.
Sam and Gollum go up the path of Minas Morgul and encounter the giant spider Shelob. Sam feeds Gollum to Shelob whole in order to escape. A half-digested Gollum comes back to life midway through Shelob’s lower intestines as fecal-zombie Gollum and eats his way out through Shelob’s rectum. He then chases after Sam as the movie ends.
A Return of King
Zombie Gandalf leaves Aragorn to go to Minas Tirith where he finds the usurper Denethor—Steward of Gondor. Gandalf murders him with ease and feasts on his remains. Sauron begins his siege of Minas Tirith.
Mary finds his way back to the Rohirrim as they set off to retake Gondor from the usurper Denethor and the other usurper Sauron. Aragorn goes to the Mountain of Durharrow to raise an army of zombies to fight for him. The zombies offer to pledge an oath of fealty if Aragorn gives them Mordor after the war. Aragorn agrees. The zombies bend their zombie knees.
The Rohirrim attack the orcs. Lots of blood and guts and death ensues. Then Aragorn and his zombies attack the Orcs. Even more blood and guts and death ensues. The Witch King of Angmar, riding on his fellbeast, cuts Legolas in two and slurps out his intestines like a noodle of spaghetti. While the fellbeast is picking Legolas’ smug face out of its teeth, Eowyn chops the fellbeast’s head off and its hyper-pressurized arteries rocket blood out like a fire hydrant drenching Eowyn in an avalanche of dark red fellbeast hemoglobin. Mary stabs the Witch King of Angmar causing Mary’s hand to explode, but it distracts the Witch King long enough for Eowyn to brutally stab him in the face.
At this moment, zombie Smaug comes back to life and begins breathing zombie fire indiscriminately on the belligerents in the massive battle. Man and orc alike burn horribly and scream in vain as their flesh melts off their bones. Zombie Smaug seems poised to retake Erebor and the Mithril throne of Gondor before running into the zombie Balrog. The two battle in a long subplot that actually has no relation whatsoever to the rest of story.
Sam gets to Mount Doom, but can’t get himself to drop the ring in the fire. Fecal-zombie Gollum jumps on him and bites his finger off causing blood to shoot out in all directions. In a murderous rage, Sam guts fecal-zombie Gollum from bellybutton to jugular and Gollum falls into the lava to burn adead horribly. The ring is destroyed and Sauron, the Lord of Dark and enemy of the feudal aristocracy and landed peasantry of Middle Earth is defeated.
Aragorn and his bannermen celebrate the victory and Aragon’s ascendance to the Mithril Throne of Gondor. At the coronation, he walks up to Sam and Mary and tells them to bend the knee. Mary replies, “We saved Middle Earth, we should have to bow to no one.” Aragorn flays Mary. Sam bends the knee.
Lord Elrond and Lady Arwen then arrive and Aragorn can’t help himself and starts making out with Arwen. Lady Eowyn, realizing she’s been betrayed, stabs Arwen in the stomach repeatedly. Eomer runs up to Aragorn, “The Rohirrim send their regards!” He then plunges his knife right into Aragorn’s stomach. A Rohirrim bannerman cuts Elrond’s throat. Zombie Gandalf proceeds to eat them all alive before they can bleed out.
Lord Eomer takes the Mithril throne of Gondor and marries his sister Eowyn to keep blood lines pure. Many a knee is bent.
Sam makes his way back to the Shire. He stops by the Green Dragon Brothel and sees the beautiful Rosie Cotton behind the counter. He takes one last sip of wine and musters up the courage to go over to her. The scene cuts to Sam banging Suzy from behind mere seconds before he blows his wad.
He rests for a little bit, then says “well, I’m back.” He then proceeds to start banging her again. Fade to black. Roll credits.