Thought Catalog

How To Buy A Wolf Shirt

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The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

As most of you know, purchasing a new wolf shirt can be an important and painstaking process. As difficult or even more so than buying a new car, a new home, or adopting a child. You want to find that perfect wolf shirt that will not only meet your functional needs, but your fashion needs as well. From someone that understands that burden, I’ve done my best to narrow down the most essential factors to make your purchasing process go as smooth as possible. I will use a shirt I recently bought as an example.

1. Eye Placement- Always take notice of the placement of the wolf’s eyes. Are they glowing? Are they sad? Are they wise? There are many factors to consider, but those are some great starters. You’ll notice on my shirt, the eyes are glowing and piercing. You can feel them in your very soul. He is the alpha wolf. And he knows you. All of you. Even the parts of you that you hide from the rest of the world. But in addition to that omniscient gaze, notice the large size of the eyes. Not to mention they are centrally located for optimal viewing pleasure. Eye coverage to this degree is a rarity. The previous owner of this shirt was a fool for donating it. And so were the employees at the thrift store for selling this priceless article of clothing for so cheap. But I wasn’t going to tell them that.

2. Pack Member Presence-I know this is a touchy subject with most wolf enthusiasts. But in my opinion, the inclusion of the other pack members is non negotiable. Yes a lone wolf is very “cool”, and that rustic solitude can definitely be a thing of great beauty. But people who wear those shirts are simply lying to themselves and insulting our intelligence. Wolves are pack animals. They depend on it for survival. If you see someone with one of these shirts, laugh at them and tell them “Nice fannypack, loser.” (They will definitely be wearing one). As you can see my shirt has the full pack located at the bottom.

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3.  Moon Or Lack There Of –Ask me this same question tomorrow, and honestly my answer might be different. I go back and forth on this. Should there be a full moon in view somewhere on the shirt for it to be an authentic “wolf shirt”? I mean yes, a big bright moon in the background can be hauntingly beautiful. But is it necessary? Are wolves not amazing in the daytime? Does freshly killed prey taste any better bathed in moonlight? See my point? It’s a tough one. My shirt does not have a moon on it, and that may bother some people. But I could argue that the giant eye size would make up for it.

4.  Dreamcatchers –Does a wolf shirt look better with a dreamcater on it? Yes. Everything looks better with dreamcatchers on them. Am I disappointed that my shirt does not have one?  Of course I am. But sitting around lamenting about it wouldn’t change anything.

5. Additional Animals  – A common misconception is that having additional animals (i.e. eagles and bears) on a shirt, can actually enhance the shirt To me that is a moot point. If you’re buying a wolf shirt, you need to focus on the above criteria. If you need extra “animal power”, then you’re clearly not a wolf purist, and you’re reading the wrong blog. Although eagles and bears are great, I’ve always been more of a wolf guy. It’s not something I chose. I was born that way. So to me personally, I don’t think they belong on a wolf shirt.

Well I hope this helped. Buying those shirts will still be difficult, and I don’t envy you. But at least you’ll have some fodder for the fire going in. Oh and I almost forgot. My shirt rating. I give it four out of five fangs. It almost reaches perfection, but misses slightly due to the lack of dreamcatchers. So I had to deduct a fang. Happy hunting! TC mark

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