New York City Food Trends: 2021

I have travelled into the future, and this is what I’ve seen.

Fusion Fusion

When the term “Fusion” comes back into style in 2018, foodies revel in restaurants that combine certain aspects of already existing fusion cuisines. The movement finds it’s mecca at JaFusionFusionPanPan, a SoHo art gallery turned restaurant, combining the Japanese influences of Korean-Japanese fusion with the Japanese accents of Japanese-Mexican fusion. They mostly serve sushi.

Mario Batali’s Racism

While off-putting and ill-advised at first, it becomes clear that Mario Batali’s inclination against certain ethnic groups is not just a fad, and becomes something of a food scene mainstay. After barring all blacks, Hispanics and Jews from Eately, Batali opens up a panineria in Chelsea—“Paninis by Mario.” It’s most popular sandwich, the “No Jews Allowed Here Ever… Dirty, Dirty People, with Portobello” becomes a cult classic and pops up on menus all throughout Manhattan. The Soup Nazi, closing down in 2014, seemed to be too ahead of his time.

C Rating Becomes the New A Rating

As the hippest eaters in the city continue their never-ending quest to find the most authentic fare, a Department of Health rating of “C” becomes something of a badge of honor instead of a dark mark. Some restaurants even go as far as building rat farms in their kitchen and serving free food to the homeless, in order to harvest their smell and associated diseases. Restaurants given an “A” rating are booed as “tourist-traps,” “Times Square Mainstream Bullsh-t” and “Uptown suckdown.”

Ironic McDonalds

After the undeniable success of the McRib in late 2011, McDonalds continues to roll out its most disastrous offerings, all successfully. Market analysis and demographic segmentation leads the corporation to open its first Ironic McDonalds in Bushwick (think New Williamsburg). The franchise, offering such catastrophic failures as the Hulaburger, McDLT, Arch Deluxe, McLobster, McHotdog, McPizza, McPasta, McAfrica and McLean, is a complete success. The chain now offers Pabst Blue McRibbon, a 1:1 mixture of PBR and McRib sauce.

Food Trucks Become Food Motorcycles Become Food Rollerskates

The biggest hit is “Cambodian Chimichanga Man,” who attracts lines of lunchers at Madison Square Park with food he makes solely from ingredients found in his pockets.

Hyper Local, Literally Organic

More and more kitchens swoon diners with their promise of environmental awareness to the point of creating a club of restaurants known as Hyp-Lo LiterOrga. In order for an eatery to classify for membership, all of their ingredients must be grown under the table they’ll eventually be served on and cannot contain any molecule of food composed of non-carbon-based compounds. While expensive (a side of microgreens might go for $450), customers reason they’re “just doing our part… just doing our part, you know?”

Ethnic Oversaturation Time Reversal

At the meeting point of Chinatown, Little Italy and the Lower East Side, the food becomes increasingly ethnically involved and diverse to the point of oversaturation. The result is a small neighborhood — dubbed by real estate agents as LiLo, for Lindsay Lohan — with the complete absence of any ethnic flavors, textures or ingredients. Popular dishes include potatoes and eggs mixed in a bowl with salt, corn with squash and salt, and green beans and offal without salt.

The Machine Revolution Begins

Eventually, the public loses its faith in Yelp, due to human subjectivity and error. Thankfully, with the introduction of the iPhone 12, eaters can simply insert their phone into the food and be told how good it is, after the device consumes the entire dish. The results are posted to the internet and the eater can go home and eat human food. The iPhone preferences start to influence chef’s choices and soon restaurants are made to the fancy of the machines. Victorious chefs are treated with respect and nobility, whereas the unsatisfactory chefs are publicly defeated and ground into the rest of the gruel served to the mortals.

Pork is the New Duck Again

Finally! TC mark

image – Sidious Sid

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  • http://nichelle.tumblr.com Nichelle Stephens

    Why must hate on Batali?! Not a funny essay. It is spelled Eataly, BTW. 

    • A I Lipstein

      in the future it’s called eately

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    pork > poultry

  • AMY

    I love this. Laughed out loud, scarying my cubicle mate. Pabst Blue McRibbon.

    • http://twitter.com/sodelightful rachel

      LOL vom.

  • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

    i smiled at “cambodian chimichanga man”

  • ATHENA

    This is literally the funniest thing I have ever read. I am still laughing. 

  • Comic Insult

    The McLobster exists…it’s a lobster roll.  It’s only sold in a few Northeast states, including Maine.

    • A I Lipstein

      all of those items exist

    • summerfolk

      it sure does!  hardly a “failure”.  I look forward to it every summer :)

  • GUESTO

    I LIKE TO HAVE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE AND THING THAT IN THE FUTUR E BEING GENUINE IS THE NEW IRONY BUT WE’LL PROBABLY ALL JUST BE FAT

  • Guy

    This was great!

  • Allie

    Hilarious. Kudos, Andrew!

  • Schopfung

    wow – your a hilarious jaded dumbshit – tell me what you like  i want to rip it in half and shit on it! 

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