1. Articles that seem to think they have a better grasp on what “cool” means than you do.
We get it, you write for an online magazine that’s edgy. We get that you’re pissed off that more and more people have read ‘A Clockwork Orange’ and listen to Joy Division and “stole your thing.” We get that you think that what made those things cool in the first place was the fact that only you thought they were cool and now you have to find something new. So, now you’re digging into the obscure again and, well, good for you. But telling us all about it is only serving the perpetual cycle that you’re complaining about in the first place. Which makes us all think that you never really enjoyed watching that extended cut of Brazil in the first place, you just did it to make us think you were cool. So cool. And now you’re trying to make the rest of us feel bad for simply enjoying something, you dick.
2. Rich kids espousing conservative views like they earned it.
Your parents are rich. This might confuse you, but the reality is that you are broke. Yes, your parents are rich, and by the transitive property of wealth, it does indeed feel like you too are rich. But the reality is that if mom and dad cut you lose, you’d be more than fucked. But I’m not here to just bash those born into wealth for being born into wealth, we can’t control the circumstances by which we are brought into this world, only that by which we are taken out. What I am here to do is bash those born into wealth who look down on those born into poverty as if they did something special to earn their place in the reincarnation chain. You did nothing. Consider yourself a lotto winner and give back to society instead of pretending like the opportunity you were born into had nothing to do with your cushy future life while you argue against “the welfare state.” It used to be that we didn’t have to suffer through every privileged piece of shit’s opinion, but now we do. Thanks to the internet.
3. Music videos that show off how “swag” of a life you live.
Some of us are paying attention. Not many, but some are. Your first few releases were so open and honest. You lived in the suburbs and didn’t really have much “style,” why is that a bad thing? It’s what helped blow you up in the first place. Now you’re new music video is you and your trendy looking friends stomping around Brooklyn (or some other cool urban neighborhood) in slow motion with a 40oz and a permanent Instagram filter talking about how that 9-to-5 life “just isn’t for you” and your integrity is out the window. No shit, it’s not for anyone who’s parents would throw down to shoot that video you spoiled little bitch. We see you.
4. Fight videos.
How many times am I supposed to be shocked that human beings swing on each other? It’s gotten to a point where I sit down to watch a fight video on youtube and I’m waiting for something beyond physical blows to happen (aliens, illuminati, etc.), because physical blows are mundane by now. I’ve been completely desensitized to violence. Even KONY didn’t last.
5. White kids thinking the veil of social media allows them to drop the N word online (as long as it ends with a soft “a” instead of that racist “er”)
Words are just words, but some words make you look stupid when you say them. I’m not even calling into question the idea that the ignorance behind this phenomena is racist as fuck. I’m just telling you — you look like an idiot to everybody but yourself because you can only express your feelings by repeating what you hear in a song. And now we have a record of you being an idiot, thanks to social media. You’re not “redefining” anything except your own lack of social intelligence. About the only place this is acceptable is in your car, with the windows rolled firmly up, mid hip-hop track because the moment got the better of you. Not on the internet, where it’s recorded forever.
6. Articles that are broken down into lists.
You know why we do this? Because you are dumb. You couldn’t possibly be expected to read a three page article about internet culture wrongs, so we break it down to make you feel like you’re not. It’s just a list, and you’re just a moron with a tiny attention span. Thanks to the internet.