April marks an awkward transition period for some people, as we look to our calendars and realize we are pretty much at the half way point between winter and summer. We sit in bed, hugging a half empty bag of Salt and Vinegar chips and wonder where the time went, where that person who declared that “THIS IS THE YEAR” went and where that box of cookies I bought last week went because there’s no way they could be already gone oh right I ate them in the bathtub yesterday oh my God what is happening to me.
My New Years resolution was not to get in shape or lose weight because I’m smarter than that by now, but even I’m not immune to the horror that is bathing suit shopping. I’ve accepted that it is a shopping trip I will soon be taking and even though no amount of tequila will soften the ache it doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying, damnit. So I’ve compiled a list of why I am not anywhere near achieving my “beach body” yet, and I look forward to telling the sales associate these through cascading tears while collapsed on the floor of Bikini Village in approximately two months.
Why Break Tradition?
My family doesn’t have many traditions, but I’ve always admired those who do. I want more traditions in my life, and one of the most concrete ones I have is that wave of panic that hits me near the end of May when I buy the first tank top of the season. I have a very intimate relationship between me and the changing rooms at American Eagle, as I plea to the sales associate that a medium really used to fit me and no I don’t need a tissue I’m fine just please close the door.
I know people who have a tradition every Christmas Eve where they open a pair of pajamas and sleep in them that night. Okay, or maybe I saw that on an episode of Modern Family, but regardless this is my Christmas Eve Pajama Tradition and how dare you try and take it away from me?
I Had To Catch Up On Game Of Thrones
It was pretty selfish of HBO to release season three of Game of Thrones in February, just as I was on my second wave of getting serious about going to the gym. I’m somebody who will wait for a season of my favorite show to get released on DVD so I can crash on my couch and double binge on watching every episode and a pint of ice cream. I also had to dedicate a good portion of my life to reading Game of Thrones in case something happens on the fourth season that I’m not prepared for.
The problem to this method (and believe me, it’s hard to find one) is that in anticipation of watching the new season, I have to re-watch every single episode up to that. That requires a level of commitment that I can’t give to the gym or my juicer. I’m a human being and I can’t be expected to give 100% of my time and effort into multiple activities or goals, so give my formal apologies to the kale wilting in my fridge. Better luck next year, buddy.
I Got A Full-Time Job
Once I finished school, I started working full-time. I didn’t realize that part of the deal of working a 9-5 job everyday was coming home and crashing at 5:15pm. Sorry Karen, I can’t make it to 6pm yoga, I finally got the energy to leave my bed and I used it on getting to the kitchen and making my third grilled cheese of the week. And please don’t suggest I start waking up early to work out because that’s the behavior of a sociopath.
As part of my transition from student to employee in the work force, I’m putting most of my energy into staying awake for eight hours at a desk. And I’m here to tell you that I’ve done the math and a Snickers gives me more energy than a handful of almonds ever will so you can shove it, Cosmo.
I Said Screw It
Most importantly, I did the following: I looked in the mirror and decided I’m happy with the way I look. Screw everything else.