You’ll hate him. The second you’ll realize that you’re not enough, you’ll hate him. Him and the thought that he’s just another somebody who hurt you.
You know that you were supposed to be the one for him but he didn’t see it this way. You tried to convince yourself that he was too foolish to see it, too shy to make the first move. That maybe he thought he was out of your league. That all he needed was a push or a more obvious sign coming from you. You went out of your way to put a smile on his face and he broke your achy little heart when he said that he hasn’t been happy in ages. When he said he was lonely although you’ve just spend the last ten hours talking about your future together, about running away together, about being happily together.
You started using together as a new persona. You stayed up at night picturing your plans. Putting pieces together, figuring out how to make sure he’ll never be in pain again. He’ll never be lonely. You were everything he needed and you were supposed to save him.
You don’t even know when or how it started. One day you were just friends casually meeting once in a blue moon, a few hours later you’re this strangely happy and loud duo who can’t enough of each other.
You became that cliché that you’ve always loathed in books, that girl on the verge of crying, that girl for whom it would have been a privilege to have her heart broken by him. That girl who always ends up alone when the movie is over.
Oh, you poor sweet girl. How much you’ll hate him when you’ll wake up one day with a text from him saying that he’s gone, forever. He finally decided to face life and move on. Fight for his own happiness.
Leave you behind like nothing happened. Forget about you cause you’ve never mattered as much as you’ve imagined. You were just another stone standing in his way. He sucked the life out of you, changed your view on the world and now you’re left empty. Alone. Broken. So broken that you can actually feel yourself breaking into tiny pieces blown by the wind. Rain will pour heavily on your soul but it will not be enough to wash the pain away.
Oh, you’ll hate the thought of him every time you’ll hear his name or remember how it used to be just the two of you against the world. All the walks, the talks, the jokes. Gone. Forever. You’ve laughed at his plans of leaving one day, of leaving everything behind without even blinking. You’ve lied to yourself that he’ll never be able to do that, never have the guts. You matter too much. He can’t live without you.
He’s not himself without you. And you were right. He’s not himself. He’s just a perfect portrait of someone you painted before going to sleep every night since you’ve met. You built him. And just like any other product of your imagination, he’ll be gone forever. And you’ll hate him. You’ll never be the same. You’ll never trust again. I wish I could lie to you and say that time will heal your wounds. But you can’t heal something that’s missing. Cause you’ve built yourself around him and he’s gone. He’s happy somewhere else, with someone new. Or maybe he’s miserable and sorry for everything that’s happened. You’ll never know because he’ll never come back.
You’ll hate him so much that you’ll start hating yourself. You’ll look in the mirror and see his smile, his breath, his jokes, his tears and his touch. You’ll notice the gaps. You’ll actually physically see the pain travelling through your body. You’ll crawl back to your bed and hope for a better tomorrow that never comes. You’ve replaced forever with never. You’ve erased together from your vocabulary. You’ll feel the absence of “us”. You’ll play back and rewind, on repeat, every single conversation, every single second spent together. You’ll ask yourself where you did wrong. You’ll blame yourself. Oh, and you’ll cry. You’ll cry so hard you’ll start to enjoy the tears.
But it’s ok, you were hurt. You would be more than willing to take him back if one day he finally realizes that you were the one. That he missed you. That he actually loved you. You’ll hate him for everything but you’ll forgive him for anything.