You would think that if your parents got divorced right after you turned eighteen that would make things easier, right? Like you were supposed to know by then every coping mechanism to help you face the reality of a broken family.
Not really, I have never wanted anything more than their divorce, yet it affected in a way I would have never imagined. And trust me, I did not expect that to happen.
Shortly after, I watched my mother falling apart and I tried to take care of her while I lived the illusion of freedom. It was weird to actually get what I wanted the most after such a long time and I couldn’t even be really happy about it because my mom was in a grey place, one I never thought she’d be in.
It took me years to realize how scarred I was from my family: I was scared to let anyone near me, fooled myself with meaningless sex and pushed the everyone away because otherwise I would get hurt and surround myself with all the wrong people because they were so much “fun”.
Later on, I became angry with the world, removed my father completely from my life, denied his new child and disconnected from his entire family. My writing began to fall apart and I think that was what hurt the most, I did not realize what the reason was until recently, I was snappy and rude most of the time and played really sick games with people I should have cherished instead.
The mistakes of my parents haunted me and sometimes they still do to this point and I often fear that I will end up like either one of them. And that freaks me out.
So what do you do when you are afraid of growing up to be like one of your parents?
You try to block the thoughts, but that usually doesn’t work and you hope to find someone who will see the scars and mend them by understanding, being truthful and mutually supportive, right?
But what happens when you do find that special person and you still live in the echo of your parents relationship? That crappy place where you never want to end up again.
I tried yoga, mindfulness, painting, music, reading and investing more and more in my writing, the only thing I ever really wanted to do. Did that help?
Sometimes, but there are times when anxiety will hit you no matter how many mantras you’ve read or said, no matter how sweet the look in your lover’s eyes will be and how peaceful the home you two have made is. What really matters is how you control these impulses and how much you focus on all the things you are grateful for.
There really is no recipe, at least I am still figuring it out, but all I do know is that it is important to talk about the things you are concerned about. To share with those who love you and whom you love the thoughts that give you a rough time and if things are getting worse, it is ok to talk with someone who is specialized in these matters.