Somewhat Hilarious Relationship Instructions For Somewhat Serious Single Women

Flickr / Vinoth Chandar
Flickr / Vinoth Chandar

Are you an interesting/smart/charming woman, albeit still single? Has somebody ever told you that this is because you’re picky and you should be more open? They were wrong. It’s good to be picky, but there’s a caveat: you should learn about how and when to be picky. It’s good to keep your guard up, life is a boxing ring and romance is a fight you must win.

You have probably also been told that every man wants the same thing, but that’s wrong too. Men come in widely different varieties. For example: some men don’t ask for directions, no matter what, while some others don’t ask for direction, no matter what. Sometimes we can be stupid, I must admit it. But some other men are perfectly ok and I wish you can find one of those.

You see? Your mom was right about candies from strangers. Actually, your mom was right, dot. But what she really meant was: a potentially-accepted candy from a stranger is nothing but a means to your heart, or body. Or both. Yes: at that time she was concerned with immediate threats, but also, more in general, with ill-intentioned strangers and their deathly hallows.

What I’m trying to say is: do not exchange sexual favors for emotional stability, or a wedding ring. Bitches: they come, they go, said Socrates. Or was it Eminem? However, Women with a capitalized “w” are rare this days. True ones, I mean. They smile at dogs and kids when no one is looking. I stole this line from an OkCupid profile, by the way. And so what? Better than stealing alloys…

So, if you are searching for a husband, don’t let yourself be fooled by the rocks that he’s got. Not all that glitters is gold. Try, if you can, to take away the economic and social value of your potential victim (pardon, partner) from the equation, and focus on what he could offer to you as a Man with a capitalized “m”, instead. You probably heard that having a checklist of what to expect from a man is advisable.

WRONG! Nothing could be more wrong than that, actually. Don’t keep a checklist, because more often than what you’d expect the man of your dreams will positively surprise you. It’s hard to imagine what you don’t know. You might end up dating somebody who’s not at all what you were expecting for, but much better. But you need to give men the benefit of the doubt, sometimes.
You probably also heard that you shouldn’t date somebody who does not have a stable job. Well, has it ever occurred to you that maybe he doesn’t have one because he doesn’t need it? Perhaps he is unemployed because he owns the factory! Millionaires are often extremely careful with their money, and true ones tend not to show off their goods precisely because they are afraid (and rightly so) that people would want them because of what they have, instead of loving them because of who they are.

Besides, everybody can be the “high maintenance” kind of woman, that game is too easy to play. If you accept this exchange, you will regret it in the future because the man who’s willing to exchange his money for your sexual favors will most probably do the same with someone younger than you, later in his life. So, don’t fall for this trap! You’re better than that. You deserve a real man, not somebody who has to bargain his money for a body because he has absolutely nothing else to put on the table.

Another thing is: don’t go for the man who looks like you, talks like you, thinks like you and ultimately behaves like you. That’s your doppelgänger, not a man. Men and women are tremendously different animals to one another, and that’s actually ok. In fact, in my humble opinion, the more diverse its members are, the better and more balanced a couple is (birds can fly straight because they have a left wing and a right wing…).

But it seems to me that the majority of people are searching for a “soul mate” and such thing does not really exist. This is what I call the “Disney Disease”: when you get it, you end up putting way too much pressure on potential friends and partners.

Also, you might have heard that you must follow your dreams. Don’t do that, a dream is usually nothing more than a scandisk for the brain. This isn’t Fantasyland, this is the realm of reality. Wake up! Love is not something that just happens. You can’t be controlled by love, you must choose to love someone, each and every day. Don’t mistake love for passion, they are two different things.

Accept the fact that nobody is perfect, forget about the prince on the white horse. Sex & the City is a TV show, there’s no Mr. Big and no Mr. Right, either. You’ll have to fight for the man of your life and sometimes you will also have to support him and rescue him in times of trouble.
A couple is a couple is a couple, it is not just you and your needs and your whims. A couple is not just you, plus your partner, either. A couple is much more than that. A couple is simultaneously above you, beyond you, inside you and behind you and it surrounds you too. At times, it will take nourishment. At times you will probably wish it didn’t exist and you will think that you could do better without it, but you need to soldier on, stay the course. This will pay you back.

So stop judging people from their cover and give them a chance to express themselves. Don’t hate them just because they lick the yogurt lid, squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom or wear shorts&sandals. Don’t point the finger at them because they are not wearing the right shirt, or shoes, or because they like sports. Relax, give people a chance to be who they are and try to love them (or at least tolerate them) even if they are not exactly what you expect them to be.
This does not mean that you cannot be picky, it only means that being picky and being impossible is not the same thing.

You should be demanding when it comes to fundamental character traits, not minor details. For example, don’t settle down for a man who can’t hold a conversation, and is willingly ignorant and insensitive. Don’t allow tax-evaders, bullies, criminals and drug-addicts in your life, but do give a chance to people that are honest, mentally stable and strong.

Foe your own sake, you need to stop thinking that movies, TV-shows and chick-lit contain good examples or wise advices for you to follow and that their plots could be re-enacted in real life. This is distorting your perspective when it comes love and romance. Adultery isn’t cool, fornication is not that great and prostitution is also seriously bad. Remember Pretty Woman? When Richard Gere buys Julia Roberts flowers? That’s not romantic. It’s like, “great, Rich! But don’t forget you still owe her 200 dollars…”

By the way, you might ask, “what do I know about relationships?” Oh, ye of little faith: I’ve been learning by making mistakes. There’s an assortment of titanic failures in my bag and tons of cheerful skeletons of past relationships dancing in my closet. But I’ve learned from each and every one of them and now I know much better.

Ultimately, if you want a good man, be a good girl. And if you don’t want to be a good girl, by all means, be a bad one. But be aware: the more lovers you allow in your bed, the more picky you’ll become and the less easy it will be for you to find a partner for life.

Trust me, your mom was right about strangers and candies. The only thing you need to keep in mind is: that was a timeless lesson, not just temporary advice. You’ll always need to be extremely selective about whom you allow into your life: remember, life is a boxing ring and romance is a fight you must win, so keep your guard on but don’t be unreasonably picky and don’t harbor unrealistic expectations about men. TC mark

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