1. Your feelings are valid!
Ever been told that you don’t have the right to feel sad over a breakup or feel depressed over your ex-boyfriend? Screw whoever told you that! You shouldn’t even be friends with that kind of person. Not anyone, not even the society can dictate what you are supposed to feel. You don’t even have to explain why you feel it to other people. Feelings are what make us human. Your feelings are valid, because that’s yours and nobody can feel it for you. There are no wrong feelings, just wrong actions towards a feeling. If you feel attracted to someone while you are in a relationship, it is pretty normal. You cannot tell yourself not to feel it (because the harder you try to keep off the feeling, the more it would grow). What really matters is what you do with that feeling. Most of the time, a feeling becomes wrong when it is accompanied by a wrong action. So, don’t blame your guy if he’s attracted to someone, it is a normal feeling. Get mad if he does something about it.
2. You don’t have control over other people’s actions.
I realize most of the time we do things for other people, because we want them to do it for us as well. And then on the process, when expectations are not met and efforts are not returned, we get disappointed. But we must always remember, people’s actions are driven by their own motives and not yours. Whatever people do and for whatever reasons, it’s always their call. You have to accept that there are things that are out of your control, like the way other people think or act. Instead of overthinking why your boyfriend is not treating you right, do something that you have control of… leave. You can only do up until an extent in changing other people’s minds and their ways, but the only one who can change them is themselves. The moment you realize these things, the easier you will accept and understand the things happening in your life. The next time someone cheated on you or lied to you or betrayed you, grieve about it (again, your feelings are valid), but don’t waste your time blaming yourself why it happened. You may have contributed to the decision of the other person, but still it was their decision to make. It was their choice. And no matter how hard you try, they’ll be the only one that can change their minds.
Which brings me to the third and most important reminder…
3. You can only control yourself.
The first two reminders boil down to this last reminder.
As what I have mentioned on the first point, your feelings are valid. But the actions that you will incorporate to these feelings are controllable. I hate it when I hear cheaters say that they did not mean to do it, of course they did. I would understand if a person likes a ‘likeable person’ but the moment that they do something about that feeling, you can hold them accountable for it. If you decide to cheat on your partner or to not nurture the feeling, that is YOUR decision.
On my second point, when you find yourself in a situation where another person is causing you pain or suffering, always remember that you have a choice. That no matter what people say or do, you make the decision for yourself. I’ve seen a lot of people close to me broke down and lose themselves because they were hurt by their partners, either physically or emotionally, they will complain all the time but they never leave the relationship. I always remind them that they may not have control over their partners’ actions but they can always make a decision for themselves.
And this does not apply in relationships only. But in any aspect of your life. If the person at work kisses the ass of your boss to get that promotion, you have the option to kiss the ass of your boss too or do better at work or leave the company. If your friend betrayed you, you don’t have to forgive her if you don’t want to. You make the decisions for yourself. Don’t do something just because it is expected of you.
You’ll realize, complains will not get you anywhere, your decisions and actions will. Instead of constantly asking why things happen, remember that you can always do something about it. There’s no such thing as no choice. And the moment you realize these, you will realize the power that you have over yourself and your life. You are responsible of your own life, your actions and decisions.