You probably felt desperate. You probably wondered if you would ever get back your normal self again. If you’d ever be the person that you used to be.
And even though you saw the red flags, for some ungodly reason, you stayed. Love shouldn’t you hurt more than it heals you, but something inside you just couldn’t let it go.
You held onto every last bit of false hope he gave you. You hoped and prayed that he was the person you thought he was. He was someone who you thought you knew so unmistakably well. But when it was all said and done, he was just great at pretending to be. And you were blinded by it all.
You’ve been told that love is about trying. Trying for something and for the person that you love. You were convinced he’d go back to his old self. And everything would go back to “normal”. You probably did everything in your power to try and make that happen. You kept thinking that maybe it’s just a phase, and maybe it would be over soon. But, the unfortunate part is, it never really did. And slowly but surely, it ripped you to pieces.
You dated somebody who was incapable of loving anyone else besides himself. And no matter what you did for him, it never was enough. You were never enough. There was always something more you could have done to please him. You lost your smile that once lit up any room you walked into. Your smile wasn’t something he really cared all that much to see. He made you smile at first, just enough to make you fall. Once he had you hooked, he knew very well that you weren’t going anywhere. The twisted part is, he had you from day one. And he knew it. He knew exactly what he was doing with you. And you were a pawn in his pitiful game.
That’s the thing about toxic relationships. They aren’t always toxic.
They give us moments of happiness that we wish would last a lifetime. Those are the moments we cling onto. You convince yourself that there is enough love, underneath all of the chaos and mayhem you created in each other’s lives. You tell yourself that maybe there’s enough love left to make things work. And this made you question every little thing, including yourself. Maybe it wasn’t just him that was toxic. Maybe I was toxic to myself by continually opening the same closed doors, very well knowing there was nothing good behind them.
You fought so hard. You fought like hell. You were fighting to save whatever was left of the love you once had. You fought for the one thing that was destroying you.
You probably feel as if you are eternally damaged. You feel like he took a part of you with him that you’ll never be able to get back.
But the truth is, you are not damaged.
And one day, those parts of you will be found again. One day, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel that you never thought you’d see. One day, it won’t hurt like hell anymore. One day, you will gain enough strength to put the broken pieces back together.
But this time, you will put them back differently.