It wasn’t until I watched my ex finally move on from me that I realized how much I relied on him to fabricate my happiness. We had been fighting an uphill battle for awhile now and as much as we both knew it needed to end for good, we simply couldn’t. I took many things for granted that I assumed I would never have to live my life without and it took losing him to find what I have been looking for this whole time-myself.
“I cant figure out where I start because I always find my way back to you when I’m trying to find myself.” – Adrian Hendryx
For the majority of my life I have always known myself to be a profoundly independent and self-sufficient person. I genuinely enjoy doing things by myself and I don’t have a problem with being “alone”. Then I fell in love. Quickly, unexpectedly, head over heels, in love. I wasn’t looking for anything when I met him and I honestly think that is why it just felt so right. It felt real and that wasn’t something I had ever experienced before. You cannot go out looking for a connection, it just happens.
I discovered what it was like to let someone inside of my lonely heart and it was amazing.
One of the biggest realizations that he taught me is that I am worthy of love and I always had been. He came into my life to demolish the walls I had built up so high, manifest what I need to work on and emphasize what I’m good at. He loved all of my imperfect insecurities that I thought made me undesirable. Finally, someone had truly loved me for exactly who I am and I hadn’t even loved myself that way. Funny how that works.
I have learned that I am lovable, but it needed to start with me loving myself.
When I finally understood that I needed to close that door and leave it shut is when I realized that I cannot find myself in another person. This is a mistake among several others that I will never make again. I was forced to come to terms with the fact that the ending to my story would not include him anymore. When you go through life so sure of where you’re headed you might just wind up lost. But- it may end up being the good kind of lost because in the midst of the all the desperation and hopelessness you will finally find yourself again.
So although I have lost you, I have finally found me- thank you.