I’m Finally Done Running Away From You

lauren rushing
lauren rushing

You and me were always about running – constant, chaotic running – towards each other, from each other.

I remember every single night I used to run away from you, although you never knew. Around 2AM, your presence used to become the kind of danger I knew I had to avoid – so I was running, fast, far. I don’t know if you did the same. I guess you were just standing still. I never thought you’ll follow me. All these nights are empty memories to me now, cause all I know is one beginning, one night, one too many drinks, and you running after me, when I was once again ready to save myself from you.

I guess since then you and me kept on running anywhere and everywhere, and although sometimes we used to run into each other so forcefully that it seemed like the morning light won’t tear us apart again, it did. It always did.

I used to run away cause you scared me more than I like to admit. I felt like a child that was falling in love for the first time and had no clue what was going on. I felt things I’ve never felt before. You were to me what no one else has ever been before. You’ve done things for me that no one else has ever done.

You had me (trust me on this one) like no one else ever did.

So I ran away, with every sunrise, hoping that by the next sunset, that voice inside my head that kept telling me, “You’ll love him. You’ll love him by tomorrow morning” will slowly die, and with it, everything I was feeling for you. I wanted my thoughts to be silent every time you’d take over them – instead, there were screams, fire, and chaos. You were the most beautiful chaos in the whole wide world.

The voices never stopped screaming, the fire never burnt out, and chaos remained an essential part of everything we were.

I stopped running – and the next morning, I started loving you.

Once I did, I knew it was your turn to run, I knew you will hear those same voices that won’t let you sleep, I knew you’ll get burnt by that same fire of stupid questions that have no actual answers. I knew you wanted me. I knew how much you wanted me – but I also knew how much you wanted that silence that you didn’t get to have. And me…I was never going to be your silence.

So you ran towards your silence, where I didn’t exist, and all voices went quiet in that moment. A part of me died then, together with those loud screams, the fire and the chaos that I apparently needed more than I even knew. I actually laughed a lot those days, thinking how stupid everything was, or mainly how stupid I was.

I knew you’d run.

Still, I was now breaking into a million pieces, I was drowning in waters in which I could have sworn I know how to swim. To me, you ceased to exist that day, together with all the beauty I had in me. I cried over you more than you’ll ever know. It hurt more than you’ll ever know. Those nights, those days…I still don’t talk about them.

But me and you were not meant for sprints. We were made for a whole marathon.

I ran after you, and I caught you. I ran away when those same voices started to scream louder than ever, and I found my silence – which was a sad, but safe silence. You ran after me – and you caught me – cause no silence could have stood a chance in front of you and the wonderful mess that loving you was.

All this running hurt, healed, hurt once again, healed…and it was all worth it.

I’m now sure I only want to run in one direction. I’m running deeper and deeper into your soul

And for the first time, it feels good, it feels warm, and all that chaos is looking for its path to a silence that one day we’ll reach together. The kind of silence that might scream from time to time – cause, well, that’s just the way we are. I’m running to you, naked of everything I’ve ever been before. I’m running to you with an insane amount of happiness, which is all in your hands. I’m running to you with the enthusiasm of a kid that still believes in Santa Claus. I’m running to you to find my other half. I’m running to you constantly, and I know nothing can possibly stop me. You are my finish line. I know where I’m going – and if you’re standing right at the end on the world, then I’m running to the end of the world – and I’ll get there! I’ll jump into your arms, and I know you’ll catch me.

But once I’m there, I’m done with running, for good.

So…will you stay? TC mark

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