It has been 1 week since you said ‘Goodbye’ and I haven’t shed a single tear over losing you.
The twisted, warped song we danced to for so long finally came to an end and I’m not sad that you’re no longer mine. You should never have been mine. I spent every single day trying to convince myself that you were worth it. That every single moment you disappointed me was worth it. I fought to stay in it because I couldn’t see myself being with anyone else but you. I was content in our misery.
I won’t cry now that I’ve lost you because I shed countless tears when I was with you.
I cried when you didn’t show up. When your phone was dead or you fell asleep or you simply had better things to do than spend time with me. I cried when I would wait around for hours, cooking you dinner, only to get a text that it was ‘too late’ and ‘maybe next time.’ I cried when I spent the evening with your family and you weren’t even there. I cried because I wasn’t worth your time.
I cried when you didn’t keep your word. When you told me you would try but then you would give up. When you told me you would handle something but then you just wouldn’t. I cried every time you told me it would get better because it never did – and deep down I knew it never would.
I cried when you would mess up. Every bill you forgot to pay, every time you needed money, and every responsibility you let fall to the wayside. I cried because I wasn’t important enough for you to want to get your shit together. You weren’t even important enough to yourself to get it together.
I cried when you refused to compromise. When your plans and your family and your desires took priority and precedent over mine. I cried because you put everyone and everything above me and never made me feel important. You actually made me believe I wasn’t important.
I cried when we lost our unborn child. When I realized there was no reason we had to stay together. I cried when you stayed home from work the day after my surgery but spent the whole day asleep in bed. You didn’t check on me, comfort me or even acknowledge me. I sat on my couch and cried over how carelessly you treated me.
I cried when you didn’t take care of yourself. When I had to remind you to brush and floss your teeth, take better care of your skin, drink more water, exercise. I wanted us to grow old together and I wanted you around as long as possible. I cried because you didn’t even love yourself enough to do any of those things.
I cried when I realized you were content to be mediocre. I realized you had no real aspirations, dreams or intrinsic motivation. I cried because I wanted to be proud of you but you never did anything worth being proud of. I wanted you to be more than you wanted for yourself.
I’m not going to cry over losing you because you didn’t make yourself anyone worth being sad about losing.
I’m not sad that you’re gone because you’ve been gone from my heart for a long time now. I fought to love you harder than I’ve ever fought for anything in my entire life. The only loss I will mourn is losing that fight.