It’s been two weeks now, and I still haven’t heard a single word from you. I don’t care that you flaked on our plans. No, you didn’t just flake on them; you bulldozed them. You acted like they never existed. Like I don’t exist. Okay, so maybe I do care a little. I have every right to be upset; but here I am, still holding onto the fact that this isn’t like you at all. Holding onto this little glimmer of something resembling hope that tells me you would never do this without a good reason.
But I have no idea what’s going on with you because you won’t tell me. You won’t let me in. Instead, you’re actively pushing me away.
I won’t let you. Despite the extreme hurt and excruciating heartache I’m feeling right now, I won’t let you.
You are worth it. And I am all in. I have been for a while now.
And if you let me, I just want to be there for you. Even if you’re not ready to talk about it right now. I want you to know that I’ll be here to listen when you are. That I will always be by your side, to help you deal (or not deal) with whatever cruelties life throws your way.
That’s what I signed up for when I decided on you because I do not love easy; but when I do, boy do I love hard.
I’ll love you at your worst, just like I love you at your best, because everyone has bad days. Lord knows I have mine. And I want you to find comfort in the fact that we can face them together.
I’ll love you when you’re hell-bent on drinking away your feelings. Except with me, you’d end only end up a little worse for wear in your own bed the next morning instead of suffering in a cold hospital bed. Because you’ve been there to hold me steady when I wasn’t. And you’ve been there to hold my hair back when I could no longer hold my liquor. But most importantly, you’ve been there to hand me a glass of water and an Advil in the morning. And I want nothing more than to do that for you. To take care of you like you’ve always taken care of me.
I’ll love you even though you’re doing your damn best to make me hate you.
Because I get it, okay? You’re dealing with something, and everyone has different coping mechanisms. And maybe I’m making excuses for your behavior at the moment (at least, that’s what everyone says I’m doing) but I believe in you and I believe in us. Maybe that makes me a fool. Maybe it doesn’t.
The only thing I know is only I know how I feel about you but now, I need you to know it, too.
Because I care. I care so damn much.
I want to be there when you’re hurting, to hold you so you know you’re not alone, to tell you everything’s going to be okay even when I’m not sure it will be just because it’s something people say. I want to be there when you’re happy, to share in that happiness with you, to do everything in my power to be a part of the reason for your happiness.. I want to be there when you’re angry, to help you tackle whatever problems you’re facing. I want to be the person who sees the sides of you that you never show anyone else. I want to be it all. Sure, that’s a tall order but I’m damn willing to try because despite everything, I want to be the one who never gives up on you especially when you feel like you deserve it.
Baby, I know what it’s like to shut everyone out when life’s got you down. I know what it’s like to feel like nothing is ever going to be okay again. I know what’s it like to have someone walk away from you because they don’t know how to deal with the fact that you can’t deal. But I won’t be that person to you.
I will be the one who stays.
I won’t push you for details. I won’t question your actions. I just want to be there. All you have to do is let me in.
Please let me in.
Please let me be there for you.
Please don’t push me away.