This Is How I’ll Love You

istockphoto.com / AleksandarNakic
istockphoto.com / AleksandarNakic

Sometimes I catch myself looking at you when you’re doing something as ordinary as driving, singing along to the radio, watching your favorite movie, taking a sip of your beer, changing into your pajamas, whatever, and I can’t help but think to myself, “I can’t believe you’re mine.” And when your arms are around me, holding me tight like you could prevent me from leaving just by never letting me go, I feel like I’m at home. And I’m sorry that I’m always leaving. I hate leaving you. And I’m sorry if I leave you feeling like you had anything less than all of me because you don’t. I’m yours completely.

And I’m pretty bad with words but I endeavor to show you how I feel every chance I get. But with every text or Snapchat or stupidly cute baby animal video, I hope you can tell how much I miss you. And with every present I buy because something reminds me of you, I hope you know how much I think about you because I think about you all the damn time.

You’ll never have to question how I feel. It’ll be there in every glance, every kiss shared, every time I rub your thigh when we’re out in public. I don’t play it cool when it comes to you. I put it all out there. I’ll never stop putting myself on the line for you. Even though it scares me half to death because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and I sure as hell don’t want to get hurt.

And maybe you don’t know it yet because I haven’t said those little three words but if you look closely enough, you’ll see it in everything that I do. And maybe I’m not ready to say it out loud, maybe I’m not even ready to admit it to myself, but I definitely feel it. I feel it in spades when we’re together, like I’m drowning in it but in the best way possible. I feel it even when I’m not with you, when missing you hurts so bad that my chest tightens and I could swear someone’s squeezing my heart hard enough to make it difficult to breathe, impossible to catch my breath.

I feel it all. And for the first time, I want to feel it all, even the bad bits, the in-between bits, the missing you bits. Because I don’t even remember what my life was like before you. And even though it may not have been that long, it feels like a lifetime. (And I wouldn’t mind a lifetime with you, to be honest.)

So look for it in the way I look at you. Look for it in my dumb, little smile when you do something cute or say something funny. Look for it in my thoughtful presents. Look for it in the way I hold your hand and run my thumb across the back of it. Look for it in the way I always sit angled toward you. Look for it in the way my body searches for yours in the middle of the night. Look for it in my sleepy eyes when you’re the first thing I see in the morning. Look for it in the way I can’t hold you close enough.

And this is how I’ll love you.

I’ll love you like a fool. TC mark

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