I wonder who is making you smile, making you laugh, making you feel safe and loved.
I wonder who is waking up next to you in the morning and keeping you warm at night.
I wonder who is leaving steam on your bathroom mirror, stains on your bed sheets, and scratches on your back.
I wonder if you wonder about me at all.
And if you do (please do), I wonder if you wish she was me.
Because I do.
Because I still don’t want anyone else but you.
And I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay with the way things ended between us because I’m so clearly not okay. I’m tired of trying to play it cool, because let’s be honest, I’m not and that’s always been one of your favorite things about me. I’m tired of holding back. I don’t want to hold back anymore.
So, here’s a list of things that I do want (in no specific order):
I want you and only you.
I want to be your sanctuary, your safe place.
I want to be the person you turn to when you’re having a bad day.
I want you to feel like you’re coming home when you see me.
I want all of your good morning and good night kisses.
I want to share a pot of coffee with you first thing in the morning.
I want to cook you breakfast foods (your favorite) at any time of day.
I want to take naps with you.
I want to steal all of the hot water when we’re in the shower and laugh at how out of place you look in your shower that’s made for short people like me.
I want to sing along with you in the car (hey, I’ll even rap Kanye or belt out Mamma Mia for you).
I want to hold your hand everywhere we go.
I want to sit with you in comfortable silence while we’re both doing separate things.
I want to let you be the little spoon every once in a while.
I want to watch bad movies and bad television with you.
I want lazy Sunday mornings with you.
I want EVERY morning with you.
I want quick kisses, slow kisses, stolen kisses, deep kisses–all the kisses.
I want awkward drunken hookups and messy period sex and sweaty normal sex and ohmygodwevebeenatthisforsolongIcantcatchmybreath sex.
I want to fight and then make up with you.
I want us to make compromises and promises.
I want to watch us grow.
I want it all and I want everything in between, and I want it with you.
And maybe it sounds like a lot, but really, I just want us.
I want us as we are, as we could be, as we should be.
I want us to be real.
And right now, we aren’t.
It’s you and it’s me, but it’s not us.
But it could be.
Hopefully, it will be.