Being with you was everything I never knew I wanted, and walking away from you broke me in ways I’ve still yet to discover.
The heartbreak was real. It was raw. All-consuming.
Some days, it still is. Sometimes, it feels like more than I can handle. Other days, it’s a dull ache. Other times, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can get past it. But it’s always there, lurking in the deepest depths. Almost like I left a piece of me with you, a piece that I can’t move on without. And believe me, I’ve tried.
But no one told me that forgetting you would be a new kind of heartbreak.
Wanting to be with you and wanting to get over you comes and goes like the tide, but I never thought I’d be forgetting things about you. It’s a wave that I wasn’t prepared for, and I’m drowning in it.
I’m happy because forgetting you would allow me to move on.
I’m sad because forgetting you means I’m letting go of all that we were and all that we could’ve been (and I’m not ready for that yet because we still could be).
But mostly, I’m mad.
I’m mad that I’m forgetting things about you.
Not the details that make you, you. I remember all of that. Your parents’ names. Where you grew up. That one time you spilled a juice box on your pants in high school and got made fun of because it looked like you pissed yourself. The way you sing along to every song you hear in public. The little shimmy you do that you swear passes as dancing. How you can quote all of your favorite movies. I remember it all.
But I’m forgetting the things that made you real to me. Like your contagious smile. The sound of your laughter. The distinct scent of you, sometimes mixed with me.
I’m forgetting what your voice sounds like, how your hand feels in mine.
I’m forgetting what it’s like to kiss you, to feel your body against my body, inside me.
I’m mad that you are no longer the last person my lips have kissed or my hands have held.
And slowly forgetting what being with you feels like is breaking my heart all over again.
Because I don’t want to forget you.
I don’t ever want to forget you.
Even if I should. Even if I need to.