11 Things That Happen When All Your Friends Are Dudes

New Girl: Season 1
New Girl: Season 1

I got a text from a dude I met on Tinder a few hours before we were supposed to meet up for drinks:

“Hey! I have a buddy who isn’t doing anything tonight and wants to join us. Is that cool?”

“Of course!” I responded. The more the merrier.

“Do you have any friends who want to join? He’s a super cool guy.”

I love group activities. Of course I’ll see what my friends are up to. I added two of my friends to a group text and started typing out the message.

Wait.

I re-read Tinder boy’s text.

Oh, shit. He meant like a double date. I doubt that Ben or Luke would be up for a double date with Tinder boy’s buddy.

Girlfriends, Addie. Text girlfriends.

It took me two seconds of racking my brain before I opened the conversation with Tinder boy back up and told him that, unfortunately, all of my friends were busy.

What I really meant was, “sorry, Tinder boy, all of my friends are dudes.”

I have a solid, solid group of girlfriends, but now that we all have careers and what not we live in different cities. Having moved around quite a bit over the past couple years, I’ve found that making guy friends is just… easier.

They’re always willing to eat a fuck ton of pizza with me and never turn down tequila shots. They don’t require girly advice, which I don’t know how to give, and they generally don’t judge me if I drink too much tequila and accidentally take a nap on the bar.

There are obviously a lot of girls who also fall into this category, but those girls are hard to find post-college. Maybe someone should make a Tinder for fun-having, heterosexual ladies?

Anyway, Tinder boy’s friend decided to bail and I unintentionally friend-zoned Tinder boy after a solid five minutes of talking to him. That happens fairly often when you’re used to hanging out with dudes.

Here are 11 more things that happen when all of your friends are dudes:

1. Going out to eat turns into math.
Servers don’t ask if you want one bill or two. Bring cash to split, or tell the server ahead of time. Or make him pay and buy the first few drinks.

2. You will be cockblocked.
A lot of my buddies have this idea that they’re great wingmen for some reason. Not a single one of them has ever landed me a guy that I was interested in. Occasionally they intentionally cockblock me because they think it’s funny, but a lot of times I think other guys are just intimidated by their presence.

I once had a guy I was into tell me he assumed that I slept around because I hung out with so many guys. I promptly told guy I am no longer interested in to politely fuck off.

3. Everyone will think you’re hooking up with them.
This one is obvious. Everyone will think that the two of you are fuck buddies. Because apparently platonic friendships can’t exist.

4. You will hook up with one of them.
OK, sometimes platonic friendships can’t exist. You will go home with them after they’ve cockblocked you and start making out in the middle of a Mario Kart game. It’s almost guaranteed to be fun because it’s kind of like tasting the forbidden fruit! Except it tastes like pizza rolls because that’s what you’ve both been eating.

Some friendships can survive this, others cannot. Which leads me to…

5. Feelings.
There’s always a chance that feelings can happen. Dude friend may fall for you or you may fall for dude friend. If you fall for each other then you’re in luck! And possibly a Jennifer Garner movie.

6. Jealousy.
If you somehow manage to get around the cockblock and end up in a relationship, your new beau will get jealous of at least one of your guy friends. He’ll act all cool about it at first, and then one day he’ll ask you if you’ve ever hooked up with your guy friend.

You’ll say no even if the answer is yes, and then you’ll have to worry about hanging out with your guy friend too much. Shit will get weird for you when they’re both around and eventually one of them will fade out of the picture.

7. You’ll find out exactly how men work.
It’s ridiculously simple.

8. You’ll learn that guys will never understand women.
Which is reasonable. Do women even understand women? Fuck if I know how we work.

I have, however, taught them that pissing off a menstruating woman is DEADLY. One of my greater accomplishments in life.

9. You’ll always have a wedding date.
And you will have no shame in tearing up the dance floor with guy friend. He fully encourages your awe-inspiring drunk dance moves.

10. The ol’ fake boyfriend move.
You immediately put your arm around his waist when a creepy guy starts hitting on you. And then remove it at lightning speed when you see a hot guy across the bar.

11. You’ll always have someone to talk to.
My guy friends don’t bullshit me. Maybe it’s because they know I’m not sensitive, but they give good, honest advice.

I would never trust any of them not to take a bite of my Chipotle when I’m not looking, but I would trust every single one of them with my life. TC mark

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