Samuel (whose real name has been changed to respect his desire of remaining anonymous) is 37 years old. He is the father of twins and has a beautiful wife. He seems to have it all — he is a successful entrepreneur, has a beautiful family, and is a tremendously generous person who often makes charitable contributions for the less privileged. However, he has moments in which he feels revengeful and hates life. Why? What could have happened to this privileged man that leads him to feel so miserable at times? I wish I could have given Samuel the answer, but unfortunately I couldn’t, there were no enough words I could ever use to heal this man’s scars. I watched this stranger cry via Skype and tell me about his broken childhood.
Samuel was a victim of sexual abuse at a very young age; recurrently molested for years by his own father (it all started when he was five years old until he was seven.)
Believe it or not, sexual abuse in men is very often.
According to ONE: Support For Men Organization:
- 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse.
- Males who have such experiences are less likely to disclose them than are females.
- Only 16% of men with documented histories of sexual abuse (by social service agencies, which means it was very serious) considered themselves to have been sexually abused, compared to 64% of women with documented histories in the same study.
Samuel: I read your article about pedophilia through Thought Catalog and knew you could help me. No one knows about my abuse and lately it has been tormenting me. I have two wonderful boys…I’d kill anyone who touches them. I can’t narrate my story neither on index cards nor on YouTube, so I’d rather have a writer tell it. I don’t care if this story reaches 10 people, 100 people, or a million people. I want the world to know that this can happen to anyone and that the consequences are terrible. Why would the person I loved and looked up to the most hurt me this way? What was going through his mind when he was sodomizing me?
Every time I read the lines of the pedophile you interviewed, my stomach burnt. I don’t know what the feeling is. It can’t be described by words. Only someone who has gone through the same could really understand how I feel. The worst is, I continued to live with him growing up. No one knew about “our little secret.” And I knew my mother was going to kill him if she ever found out so I decided to keep my mouth shut.
Then, my father died in a car accident when I was 16. A drunk driver hit him and killed him. I remember I started using drugs and cutting my wrist after his death; I always blamed myself for everything. I always knew if something happened to him, it would my fault. Why? Well, every time after he was done corrupting my tiny body, he would tell me that if I didn’t stay quiet, something terrible would happen to him and that it would be my fault. I grew up believing it to be an absolute truth. It wasn’t really until college and with lots of psychiatric help, I realized it wasn’t my fault. At age 37, I realize I was an innocent child and had no concept of what sex really meant. I was innocent. Do you understand what I am telling you? Innocent. I was just a child.
I have heard several times that if one was abused then he/she is most likely to abuse his or her children. I completely disagree. Even if I was furious, I would never hit my children. I feel like sometimes I’m too soft or grant them too much freedom even when they should be grounded, but I don’t want to hurt them.
Sometimes at night, I wonder what happens if my boys are going through the same abuse under the hands of an uncle…or a neighbor…
I’m sleeping every night like nothing is happening, but there is one question, that constantly goes through my mind and that is and will always be: Why?
If there is really is a heaven and a hell after this existence, I wonder how bad does he has it now? Or maybe, our Superior Power forgave him for messing up my life and my manhood?”
Samuel looked paranoid and depressed. He continued to explain the post-traumatic symptoms he suffered from, which ranged from depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide attempts, problems with intimacy, lack of attention for work and school, among others.
After calming Samuel down, I realized I was no longer a blogger or a writer. I was becoming a friend. It is true what they say: Sometimes it’s easier to tell a stranger your deepest secrets because they can’t do anything else but listen to you. They can relate in a more objective way and make you feel that you truly aren’t that different. He was a stranger who wanted me to take his message across the country, but as he told his story, he became a survivor and more importantly, a brave human being.
Samuel: I want my story to published because I am a father now. Unless you have been sexually molested, you wouldn’t understand how afraid I am of something like this happening to my children. I am constantly paranoid because I don’t ever want anyone hurting my children the same way I was hurt. I have always wondered how my father could look at me on a daily basis and pretend like nothing ever happened… I mean, he raped his own child, how do you forget that?”
Sexual abuse is not a joke and a very delicate subject, which leads to not many wanting to touch upon the subject. It’s not because they want to ignore it, but because it is hard to give advice on how to overcome it. What could you possibly tell a victim of abuse?
Being a survivor of sexual abuse is not something that every person can relate to. It is not something that you forget or let go. You can’t deny it happened even if you wish you could. It comes up in your mind every day or through mood swings. You can either cry for hours or turn violent against yourself or others, but this is something you don’t need to face alone.
Good luck to you Samuel and thank you for choosing me to write your story.