Blake Lively: A Toddler or a My Little Pony?

Blake Lively
Courtesy of the CW Network

Reading the profile of Blake Lively in this Sunday’s Times, it occurred to me that she’s often described in the same way you’d describe a child or a pretty, pretty pony. She has shiny hair! She likes to laugh! She loves ice cream! Etc.

Does this mean Lively is a giggling simpleton? Probably not. More likely, she knows that her squeaky clean, all-American image is great for her career, and she’s not about to ruin it by saying or doing anything interesting. You’ll learn the same things about her in every interview: she doesn’t party, she doesn’t talk about her boyfriends, she loves clothes, she loves cooking at home, and she wants a family of her own someday. She’s what everyone wants from a female celebrity: a hot blank slate with hot traditional values.

It’s depressing to think that to escape criticism, an actress has to make herself as innocuous as a toddler or a plastic toy pony, but that’s what Lively’s done.

And to prove it, let’s play a fun guessing game! Guess which of the quotes below come from magazine profiles of Blake Lively, which quotes come from a mommyblogger describing her toddler, and which quotes come from Hasbro’s official description of Pinkie Pie, the pinkest My Little Pony of all.

  1. “’I want babies. Lots of babies,’ she said.”
  2. “Her eyes sparkle like blinking Christmas lights.”
  3. “By far the silliest [woman/girl/pony] around, nothing makes her happier than evoking a giggle and a smile from her friends.”
  4. “’When I have bad days, I just eat lots of chocolate ice cream and dance to the ‘Lion King’ soundtrack,’ she said.”
  5. “She’s a living, breathing human being who smiles.”
  6. “She’s generally just so happy about being alive.”
  7. “She giggles and squeals when presented with something sparkly.”
  8. “Giggly, playful and brimming over with energy, it’s not unusual to find her prancing and skipping joyfully through the streets looking for fun.”
  9. “I dare anyone to spend an hour around her without walking away singing a show tune and skipping like a bow-tied buffoon.”
  10. “I said: ‘Oh my gosh, that’s a lot of work. How do you find the time?’” (Re: the woman/girl/pony picking out her own clothes)

Answers:

  1. Blake Lively, from Alluremagazine last year
  2. Blake Lively, from Nylon magazine last year
  3. My Little Pony
  4. Blake Lively, from WWD this weekend
  5. Blake Lively, from New York Times this weekend
  6. A toddler
  7. Blake Lively, New York Times
  8. My Little Pony
  9. A toddler
  10. 10. Blake Lively, New York Times TC mark
thumbnail image – Nylon TV

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  • http://www.theuglynewyorker.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    CHEERS. so good.

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    Stick it to her.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      I would

  • http://www.facebook.com/leckybang Becky Lang

    i think she's a pony.

  • A Rose Smith

    AWe, but she's so prettttttttyyy. I want to be friends with Blake!

  • Dana

    This article is ludicrous. You love celebrities who are mental, physical, and emotional wrecks yet when they're completely average, “hot blank slate” human being you scorn and condemn them. Her being “normal” and referring her as a plastic pony toy or toddler makes you want to believe that all Blake Lively is is an immature and naive little person; a “giggling simpleton”. You need to work out some serious issues, mang and think about what you're doing for us females. Seriously, what do you want? Someone as awesomely jaded and sardonic as you? Bringing down Blake Lively for something as unimportant and trivial as her lack of appearances in dirty tabloids is just plain stupid and pointless. <rolls eyes=””></rolls>

    • http://likethehours.wordpress.com/ devin howard

      oh yes, how insightful of you Dana, because this article was describing anything except the authors personal, individualistic, self-articulated preferences.

      If you go back and reread what you will actually discover is that this article is only partially about Blake Lively, it is in fact a commentary on the hyper-critical society in which we find ourselves, and the destruction of peccadilloes at the hands of a never-forgetting world in which someones entire history is available with a few simple keystrokes. I refer you to this passage, which is, functionally, a kind of conclusion. Or as some people like to call that part of an exposition: the point.

      “It’s depressing to think that to escape criticism, an actress has to make herself as innocuous as a toddler or a plastic toy pony, but that’s what Lively’s done.”

      I think the quiz is more analogous to an appendix than anything else.

    • http://likethehours.wordpress.com/ devin howard

      one quick note: I didn't mean to sound like that much a jackass, it wasn't really warranted. But I do think you were kind of unfair. How is this anti-women? Where does this come from: “You love celebrities who are mental, physical, and emotional wrecks…..”?

    • Anastasia Friscia

      If you read the article carefully, you'd see that I say she's NOT a “giggling simpleton.” I think she's playing a part for the media.

      And what if she's not playing a part? That's fine, too! Maybe she's just as nice as she seems, and maybe she really eats a lot of ice cream and dances around to the “Lion King” soundtrack when she's sad. Good for Blake Lively! But it's still problematic that an actress has to be THAT squeaky clean and sunny to avoid criticism–as she has–while male celebrities can be as batshit insane and abusive towards women as Charlie Sheen and still be thought of as lovable in some fucked-up way.

      I'm not saying let's be harsher on Blake Lively. I'm saying let's give other, less sweetly perfect actresses the same breaks we give Blake Lively. There's room for all kinds of people!

      • FeFe

        The thing I hate about her image is that she has actively criticized or has made sly remarks at the lifestyle she's portraying herself as the “anti” of, including her castmates who do party and drink, but not to the extent of Lindsay. She's all too contrived and calculating.

      • Sandrad

        Great article – Can you do a follow up in light of the nude 'scandal'!?

    • Bits

      Seriously, read a little more carefully before you invest yourself in such a comment. It's perfectly clear that this is not a dig on Blake Lively on a personal level whatsoever.

    • Guest

      Hi dear. You're a little angry there. You might want to reread the article. Not EVERYTHING has to boil down to a negative. I'm not even a fan of Lively and I could clearly see that this was not in any way a criticism of her.

    • Jessica

      Lol Someone needs to learn to read.

  • Guest

    Watch her in the movie The Town. I think she's deep behind closed doors.

  • Hung

    What a horrible person she is. In other news, jealous much Anastasia?

    • spinflux

      Why do guys always jump right to the “you’re jealous” thing whenever we point out the slightest thing having to do with another chick?

      Grow up, cuz that shit is fucking tired. If you are incapable of a wide range of thoughts, fine. But don’t assume the rest of us are like you.

  • http://twitter.com/lulabelleniche Gabrielle Bodek

    I think this piece was absolutely hilarious. People might have not taken it so seriously had you left out the toddler part and only compared her to a My Little Pony. Seems like The Onion material to me.

  • LockYoung

    This is absolutely hilarious. And fantastic. I love your speculation about her probably being an intelligent career person – keeping the criticism social and on the industry and not making it a personal attack. Your point is valid, the guessing game hilarious and very creative. Well written.

  • prettypetty

    Kind of reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v

  • anonymous

    Wow. I really appreciate how well written and intelligent this article was. It's rather refreshing to see someone make an observation and not make it a personal attack when talking about people in “the industry.” Kudos.

  • http://romeomaldini.wordpress.com/ romeo maldini

    pretty good. great concept. more and better quotes and you have a real winner.

  • spinflux

    I wish we’d stop trying to virginize pretty young girls while at the same time sexxing them up. What is with that pose, America? Is she even old enough to have anything to jut out?

    The even did it to Rainbow Brite. Look at her then and look at her now. What the shit is this? 

  • spinflux

    I wish we’d stop trying to virginize pretty young girls while at the same time sexxing them up. What is with that pose, America? Is she even old enough to have anything to jut out?

    The even did it to Rainbow Brite. Look at her then and look at her now. What the shit is this? 

  • spinflux

    Also, Seattle Times. The biggest pile of “meh” in print media.

  • Anonymous

    Taylor Swift

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