I Am The Girl Who Used To Dream Big

woman holding gold string lights
Micah Hill / Unsplash

I have these dreams that are dying inside of me, ideas that I should nurture until they realize themselves. I am no longer the young girl I used to be — I have responsibilities like phone bills and renters insurance. I cannot hide from the rules of society. The world doesn’t owe me any favors. The young girl inside me has been ripped to shreds by all of the ridiculous expectations imposed on me by others. I am no longer a child reaching for the stars. I have to urge myself to open my eyes and think about the future, but what about my dreams?

What about the big thing that I wanted to do when I was younger that still lives within me? What about the vision board I made when I was fifteen that I took down once I moved away for college? Am I supposed to toss those things away to the back of my closet? Should I forget?

I have this fear that I will never reach my full potential and eventually have to settle for things that I never even wanted. Will I work hard all my life to achieve no satisfaction? I keep myself up till 2 a.m. on most days with that thought in my head. Sometimes I can’t help but cry from how overwhelming living can be. I don’t want to sound like a dick, because I know a lot of people have it worse than me — some have no roof over their heads — but I just feel like the reality is hitting me all at once. I want to live for something and have that something bring me fulfillment. I want all of my dreams to come true. However, is it enough for me to decide?

This year I feel like the world has chewed me up and spit me back out. Even though it has made me stronger, something has died within me. The imagination that I once had is slowly deteriorating, I am no longer aware of the power I possess, I no longer think my mind can make things appear. I long to keep my younger self and her determination alive. I will fight for her, because no matter what anyone believes, she will live to do amazing things. I just have to get past one small obstacle:

Twenty-one. TC mark

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