There was never an us. It was always this uncategorized thing where we were just hanging out, laughing, sharing our dreams and childhood stories, kissing. There was no label. I don’t even know if it’s apt to call it a relationship. It was just a thing that you and I did.
It’s funny how my ex-boyfriend and I uncoupled and I’m crying not because of the lost six years, but for the exhilarating months that you and I have been together. I’ve been drowning myself in tears not because of how I wasted someone’s love for me, but because I knew from the start you will never return my feelings.
You said you wanted me to be free, but you never said you would be there to catch me. You told me to chase my dreams, but you never said you would be there to support me.
I guess I filled in the blanks with words I wanted to hear.
I made up stories for your non-committal encouragements.
I thought you wanted to see me happy. I thought you wanted to see me soar. I thought you believed so much in me. Should’ve known something was missing all along. You never promised me anything, yet I believed the emptiness.
I feel a deep sense of remorse for having this need to move on from you and not from my long-term relationship. I feel like an asshole. However, my friends would console me saying you are the asshole. You’re the douche who just left me hanging. You’re this manipulative guy who toyed me like a puppet on a string. Then, you ghosted me.
Every corner and every street haunts me. Every place I go to, I see you. Every place I go to, I see us smirking at each other. These memories are killing me. Everywhere I look, I remember you. Despite these painful memories, it’s your face I still want to see. It’s your cologne I want to smell. It’s your cold hand I want to hold. I know there could never be an us, but I want you. My heart pines for you and it’s plain wrong.
There are times when I wonder what could’ve happened had I not met you that night. Where would I be now had I not showed up on that January evening? Would I feel this pain now? Would I be this torn? However, I know that if didn’t meet you I wouldn’t want more from life. You instigated this thirst for meaning and for success. You challenged me to face my fears. You kept pushing me when I felt succumbing to routine. You were the much-needed impulsiveness to my love of comfort and familiarity.
I know I need to say goodbye to you and everything we were not.
I know I need to move forward. But I know I will just keep on missing you. There will be this hole inside of me that you dug up when you stopped asking how my day was. You left me broken when you stopped caring, even if it was just make-believe. Did I make it too easy for you to walk in and out?
Tell me how do I move on from a love that never was? Why is it so easy for you to act as if nothing happened? I know I have to forget you, but I just want a little something from you. Tell me you’ve never felt anything for me and I will move on. Just hurt me with words. Make it final. Slap me with hard cold truth that my feelings will never be reciprocated and I will silently weep and find the strength to carry on. Just don’t ignore me, please. Just don’t. Because it’s killing me.