Just to be clear: everything’s unclear.
I’m at a crossroads. I’m 20 and entering the age where I’m not a priority anymore. I’m not a kid; I’m not the media favorite anymore. No one is going to nurse me or pretend to care about me or help me. I’m in limbo. This isn’t personal and I’m learning not to take it as such, it’s the age. But, I recognize the fact that I’m not an adult either. I’m not ready.
But this is me trying. I’m trying to figure out who I am as an adult and human of this world, where I fit socially and spiritually in a place I LIKE. Because too much time is wasted on trying to impress the wrong people and doing things I don’t like with people I don’t even respect. I want to strive for my best self by my own standards, not society’s or anyone else’s. I want to be happy and satisfied with who I’ve chosen to be. Since everyone likes lists, I dedicate this one to how to be the best version of myself.
1. Work out more. Period. I feel great after exercise and it’s a crime to deprive myself of my health. I have the time. And my body could use some work.
2. Eat better. No dieting, no bullshit like that. I just want to eat to be happy and healthy and feel good. There is no destination, but a lifestyle change.
3. Read the newspaper.
4. Music. Music is a tough one. Because I’m not part of the new consumer generation of kids, but still on the ending cusp of it, I’m torn about this. The media/celebrity culture isn’t aimed at me anymore yet it’s been hard letting go because I only became aware of this recently. So, I have to let go of the consumer-friendly “artists” like 1D etc. I’ve spread myself so thin, that I actually don’t know what I actually like. The indie-hipster music has become so mainstream; it’s lost all its meaning and novelty. Sadly, all these bands are just copies of copies of original bands who never got their fame. Maybe rightfully so. I guess music is hard to figure out because it’s a point people try to use to impress others and I was sucked into that. So, now I’m torn between listening to Mumford & Sons and Biggie because I know it’ll gain me points, but also because I’ve let myself believe that I’ll be more cultured/better with knowing their music. But, they’ve lost all relevance if they’re not in the right historical context so maybe it’s a ship that’s already sailed. So music is open right now…
5. Floss more.
6. Leave me alone.
7.Be a sister to my brother. And only that. No more trying to assert a motherly condescending attitude. I have no right to it. There will be so much time to shit on my own children. (As bad as that sounds, whatever. It’s true)
8. Don’t waste time on fake friendships. I tend to blur the line of friendliness/amiability for my own selfish interests and full blown friendships. I have to learn that it’s ok to be shallow and selfish sometimes to get what I want, but that I’m not obligated to commit to that person. People come and go into your life easily and some with more purpose than others. And honestly, some people just aren’t worth my effort. I can’t be held down by people who are complacent and uninspiring.
9. Be blunt. Say what’s on my mind. Don’t sugarcoat things. I was socialized as a woman to be apologetic and pleasant in my tone, but I don’t want to bend for people who will take more than they plan to give.
10. Accept all compliments with grace and conviction.
Although this is a list of things to make me better, there’s something beautiful in having just one me. People recognize that so thank them.