These Are My Best Friend Vows

I recently finished reading Mindy Kaling’s book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? She’s an all-around comedic badass so if you haven’t read it yet I suggest buying it or borrowing it from your coolest female (or male?) companion. Her hilarious and heartwarming chapter on her best friend “rights and responsibilities” inspired me to write down some of my own best friend sentiments. To my confidante supreme of 6+ years, I dedicate these vows.

I’ll be alone with you. I will follow wherever the darkness takes you. I’ll give you space and I’ll let you venture deep down, to the deepest place you need to go but just know that I’ll always be a few steps behind you when you finally hit the ground and then I’ll hold you and I won’t say a word. I’ll be as silent as you need me to be. I won’t cut short nor will I prolong the time that you need to be still in my arms. I’ll let you snot all over my sweater and I won’t make you feel bad about it.

When you look especially dazzling, I will tell you consistently and throw in a few “OMGs” for good measure because you should always feel beautiful especially when you’re trying.

I won’t force conversation because it’s effortless already and so is the silence.

I’ll always say I love you before we part or hang up the phone. I will feel like shit when I forget.

I will bring all bad vibes to your attention until you talk about every feeling you don’t feel like verbalizing.

I will try my hardest to listen and be attentive when you need me and I’m not in the mood to talk.

I’ll tell you when you’re being unreasonable even when I know it will piss you off. But I’ll assess your mood beforehand and shut up when you need me to shut up and save the truth for when you’re more capable of absorbing it. I know I can be honest with you because I’m not scared of you. We’re kindred.

I will not feel embarrassed in front of you because you know me better than anyone, and that’s enough not to care if I make a fool out of myself.

I will not post unflattering pictures of you on the Internet and I’ll always consult you when I’m not sure.

I will notify you the second I see your ex-boyfriend out in public. I will tell you what he’s doing, what he’s wearing and who he’s with. If he’s with a girl, I’ll pick out all of her flaws and describe them to you in detail until you feel better. I’ll tell you that you’re ten times prettier than her, because you always are. And then I will watch him like a hawk. Girl code.

When you hurt me, I’ll not only be quick to forgive but quick to forget because I know your heart.

I will scream at you until you let me pay for dinner.

I will not keep score. I won’t justify my inconsiderate behavior by bringing up the favor I did for you last week, or last month, or last year. I won’t keep a tally of our generosities towards each other.

I’ll tuck you in when you’re too drunk. I’ll get you water and I’ll ask you a million times if you need anything else until you shoo me away.

I will scold you when you ditch me to go see that guy that you keep going back to for like 7 years now even though he’s a terrible person but I will still reassure you that I support you and I love you and I understand because we both know I’ve been there and I’ll be there again and I’d rather you not see him but I know nothing will stop you so JUST BE CAREFUL PLEASE. But when you’re not careful, I got you. I’m here. Still.

I’ll respect our disagreements. I know what’s off limits and I won’t fight dirty. This friendship is a ride or die type of situation.

I will dream with you. We will concoct detailed, brilliant HD scenarios of the lives we should have and I’ll crawl/stumble/walk/run forward with you even if we never make it. Everything’s going to be okay. And if it’s not, we’ll go down together.

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