1. Little Debbie Snacks
When I see someone in the grocery store drop some Swiss Rolls or Nutty Bars into their cart I assume they have at least 3 small (very hyper) children at home. I know they’re cheap, I know they’re good, I know it’s especially tempting around Christmas to snatch up those delicious individually wrapped Christmas Tree cakes – but at some point in our lives we have to give up the Barbies, and the Little Debbies.
2. Fish Sticks
These are perfect for tiny fingers and finicky appetites, neither of which you have – because you’re an adult; eat like it.
Parents buy bologna because it’s cheap, it probably never goes bad in the fridge because it was created in a secret lab somewhere, and kids love it. By the time you’re old enough to graduate from college and make your own lunches, please graduate from bologna on Wonderbread – all those preservatives won’t keep you any younger.
I didn’t say hotdogs, because you can look like an adult eating a hotdog; like from a street vendor, or at a baseball game, or at a cookout with a beer. But a hotdog on a stick with dough around it is not the same. Besides – generally you aren’t getting these at the fair – you’re buying them at the grocery store, keeping them in your freezer, and microwaving them for dinner. Corndogs are not dinner.
5. Haiwaiian Punch
What the hell is in it? What is the flavor supposed to be?
For some reason Kool-Aid seems a little more natural, it’s just sugar and coloring, right? But Kool-Aid brings to mind the Giant Pitcher Man crashing through a wall in his jean-jacket, and if you’re drinking Kool-Aid I can only imagine you getting excited by him crashing your party, which is not cool.
7. Count Chocula/Cap’n Crunch/Fruit Loops/Fruity Pebbles/Lucky Charms
If you’re going to eat straight sugar for breakfast, at least buy the organic knock-off – that’s way more dignified and possibly a little healthier.
8. Pop Tarts
Same thing – if you have to have them, at least buy organic, or at least not the super fudge sundae with sprinkles. Pop them in the toaster too – at least that takes a little effort.
9. Hi-C and Capri-Sun and Sunny-D
Are you hanging out at the basketball court outside of middle school? Does your mom bring you these to drink? I’m not sure sports drinks are better for you, but at least they’re a little more grown up.
My dog may be too stuck-up to eat Lunchables – but I don’t know, because I would never bring them anywhere near my house. Nothing says lazy like buying a carton of overly processed meat and cheese to put on crackers. Lunchables marketing is targeted at ages 6-12 – which is just wrong. Please don’t eat these – even if you’re under 12.